Cheesy Introspection Rant Sunday, June 02, 2013
I do not know if I am happy or sad. Maybe I shouldn't have to decide.
Maybe I have found a safe and awkward middle ground between happy and unhappy. Maybe this is called being content. I am still eighteen and I have got many goals I wish to accomplish. So I don't know what I am feeling. Maybe this is a good thing and I should try and think less.
But as much as my over-thinking stresses me out I sort of like my constant introspection. I don't know.
Its June. Pretty much half the year is gone. Being out of school makes me think totally different about time and life and whatnot. Many adults told me that life after high school is a lot better and that it gets better. They were correct. If I had a better and clearer outlook on my outlook on life I may have realized this and not dropped out. I do partially blame my mother. She did not help. I am not the typical teen that bitches and moans about how awful their parents and upbringing was. My childhood was full of ups and downs and I love my mother. She was a good mother. We just didn't get along. Sometimes it was like living with another kid my age. Sometimes she was childish when she should have been the adult. I see things more clearly now.
But honestly I sort of thank my mother. I have this a belief that I will be fine in life. I will one day be published. I know it. Its like a fact to me. Just a matter of time. I have a new chip on my shoulder, To prove to myself a lot of things. I have a new sense of optimism. Like when I was little. I am not naive. I know not to get my hopes up but this is different. Its like I know its gonna happen. my whole life I have been lacking confidence. In sports and school. Socially especially. This is good.
Every time I write on here my thoughts race ahead of my fingers. So, every entry kinda feels unfinished. Like its missing something.
I need to stop playing video games so much. I wanna focus on writing a whole lot more.
"Speak softly and carry a big stick" - Theodore Roosevelt. Love this quote. I should live by it more.
My mother was very superstitous. She believed in ghosts and reincarnation and spirits etc. She said she thought I might be an old soul. This may be so. I am either an old soul or very young. I have made many young childish mistakes. BUT I have learned very quickly from them. People say I speak oddly and remind them of an old person. I could take either of these comments as insults or as weird compliments.
I haven't seen my mother in over a year. WOW. It makes me pretty sad.
I should eliminate Maybe from my vocabulary. I feel it indicates indecisiveness. I need to learn to be the opposite.
Ahhhh I feel like I blew off some steam and gained confidence in myself thanks to writing this entry.
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