Went snowboarding today, and I am not proud of myself.
I think I have created a sense of mental barriers, and fears that are stopping me from just “Faking it until i make it”, mentality.
To go from heel to toe in snowboarding, you have to maintain your spine upright, and lean forward on the board. I lean at the waist, instead of using gravity to my advantage, which causes me to catch and edge and wipe out. Wiping out means i fall. Which then causes me to continue leaning at the waist, instead of maintaining my spine upright. DO you see the cycle?
Scared to fall, so use incorrect posture.
Falls because of bad posture
Reinforces bad posture because bracing for fall.
I did worse today than my first two days on the mountain, and it wasn’t due to fatigue. I think I am in my head, my desire to snowboard has dwindled to almost nothing, even though i am sure my muscles are still sore.
I am unable to do things i was doing two days ago, its like my fear of heights has become exacerbated, and its making me lock in place, and not really enjoy the trip. I don’t know how to stop it, or how to get out of my head.
I am having fun, dont get me wrong, but i am also homesick, and scared. Today i did nothing but kid slopes, and as pathetic as it sounded, well, I did it.
I am trying, i wont lie. But I am not proud of it. I am trying, but i am not pushing myself. I am going through the motions.
Thats not good enough. My sub told me “Growth is weird, and sometimes looks like youre going backwards before you go forward,” and as much as I want to believe that, the perfectionist in me doesn’t know how to handle it.
My brother in law is amazing at snowboarding, and he is able to pick it up quickly, and understands the mechanics of it. I can’t. I feel like a failure at all times, because it feels like ive gone backwards. I spent good amount of money on gear, but I still dont feel like i am doing any better.
I wont lie, I want to drop snowboarding. But thats because I am upset that i am not as good as I wish to be. Because I am scared of heights. Because when I am going down the mountains, even green basic shit, I lock up, and get frustrated with myself.
Maybe I am not kind with myself. I dont allow myself time to learn and fail. I rather not try than fail. I don’t have a healthy mindset, and I know that. But old dogs are hard to teach, and its hard to learn a new mentality after 27 years of this shit. I am trying, but by gods, I promise you, when its time to actually put it into effect, i forget all about it, and i revert back to my toxic, self-critical ways.
I Don’t know how to stop it.
Tomorrow is my last day, and i will continue to try and learn, and better myself.
I should try and find an indoor snowboard park near me, or something that i can practice during this season, because one a year will not be enough. I know I will continue to be upset at myself, and hate every minute of it.
I brought my go-pro, bought new batteries, and did a bunch of shit to enjoy it, but I am not confident in myself enough to record anything, it would be a boring video of someone going at .5 miles an hour, and falling constantly.
Maybe i could do a “Fall compilation”, that would be funny. But, I digress. It is what it is.
I’m tired.
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