Nesmith’s situation is such a hard one. Mom, Aaron and I keep discussing what we’re doing and try to assess if we’re going to far with him. Assessing quality of life stuff is so challenging, especially when trying to figure out when you’ve done enough, or too much, and it’s at the point where it’s no longer fair to keep an animal alive. Nesmith is hard because he yo-yo’s. We’ve had moments where we’ve thought OK, if he stays like this, we’ll bring him in today for euthanasia, but then he’ll beg for food or take a nap and be all bright-eyed and bushy tailed. My main criteria for choosing to euthanasia is if a critter is in pain, won’t eat, or is so uncomfortable they can’t sleep. Nesmith has always been an odd eater, but he’s been eating well, and even begging for food. We’ve fed him something like a half a pound of steak since we brought him home the other day and he’s even eaten some of his boring, hard food, which he routinely refuses because it isn’t exciting. Sometimes he has a hard time sleeping because his heart is squishing his lungs and it’s hard for him to find a comfortable position, but he does sleep and, when he’s sleeping and relaxed, his respirations are at a normal level and his breathing isn’t labored. It’s the breathing issue that’s the most troubling for him but it ebbs and flows in severity. I just don’t want to euthanize him if he’s still enjoying himself most of the time. Last night we brought him outside for the first time in a long time (short story version: our dogs are indoor potty trained and going outside is more recreational than necessity for them. We didn’t bring them out while I was having chemo because they could have brought stuff in that wouldn’t play nice with my weakened immune system) and he enjoyed himself so much. He didn’t run around like he used to, but he sniffed everything, tried to eat some grass, licked leaves, peed on everything he thought was interesting, and even found something to roll in and had the energy to do so.
In my younger years I didn’t have that many pets, so I really haven’t been through this a lot with my own pets (working in my field, though, I’m certainly no stranger to euthanasia). My dog Ace died nearly 10 years ago, and his was a natural death, mostly because he decided to get it over with quickly. One of our vets had told us to call her, day or night, if we needed her to come over and euthanize him when the time was right. That day, he decided to stop eating and wouldn’t take his meds and that night, my mom woke up to go to the bathroom, saw he was experiencing severely labored breathing, woke us all up, and within 10 minutes he was gone, before we could even call our vet. I’ve only had to euthanize two of my animals and their cases were very black and white. Napoleon, the rat, developed one of those nearly overnight tumors in a way that only rats can and it pressed up on her spinal cord, paralyzing her rear legs. Euthanasia was the right and immediate choice. Pandora, the leopard gecko, did the exotic pet thing of masking symptoms of what we think was renal failure until it was too late to do anything. Euthanasia was the obvious choice for her as well. My other two rats, Dracula and Kublai Khan, were found dead in their cage a few months apart, so we didn’t even have to have the when-is-euthanasia-right thought process for either.
So, here’s what we’re doing right now. We’re renting an oxygen tank and will do some flow-by oxygen when he seems like he’s having a bit of trouble, especially at night when there aren’t many options for us, anyway. This is more hospice care than anything, just trying to make him comfortable until we get to the point with him where we Know it’s time, or, at least, it becomes less ambiguous. Again, he is mostly enjoying life and I, and the rest of my family, don’t think we’re being overly selfish with this. Just maybe a little…nuts. The time to stop may be tomorrow or it may be in a week. We’re not trying to keep him alive forever (as much as I’d like to perform a heart transplant on him. Not exactly done in veterinary medicine). I also remembered that there’s a hospice care veterinarian who operates in the Twin Cities who spoke to my class a couple years ago. She impressed me so much at the time. She radiated kindness and compassion. We’re pretty sure we want to do an in-home euthanasia and, if possible, I would like to have her do it if feasible. It’s just so stressful for Nemma to go into the clinic and it’s often easier to have to do something emotional with someone who’s more of a stranger than people you’ll see next week for another appointment. Less of an urge to hold back emotions and such. Know what I mean? I still have hope that his heart will just give out when he’s sleeping, but I also know that isn’t a realistic expectation and I certainly don’t want a natural death if it means excessive suffering, like suffocating while aware. That’s just not fair. Euthanasia is such a wonderful gift we can give to our pets, it’s just a really hard call sometimes, and this happens to be one of those times.
By the way, thank you all so much for the kind words and support. I’ll try to thank you all individually in time, but right now I’m a little distracted.
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