Ricky and Mother/Daughter Relationships in Open Book

I’ve been wanting to write a real entry for days now…Time is not my friend these days (though I already regret the days it will be).

Anyway…Ricky’s Mom added me to facebook on his birthday (some of you may know the tribute I posted there, I also posted it here).

As most of my OG OD faves might recall, I’ve been wanting to be in contact with his Mom for YEARRRRSSSSSSSSSSSS now (Ricky passed away 7 years ago)…I just didn’t know the “polite” way of going about…

I had thoughts and anxiety about how she might perceive me (I broke up with him right before he died).

I wasn’t sure if she (and the rest of the family) would harbor resentment against me....

So I just ignored it all…I didn’t go to his funeral and I haven’t been in contact with too many people from that period of my life…

Anyway his Mom found me and wrote me. We’ve been exchanging email messages like crazy.

It’s weird…

It’s been stirring up a lot of emotions in myself…She has said things like “I’m so happy I got to meet you and spend time with you.”

“I know Ricky thought so well of you.”

“You were the only girl he ever brought home.”

“Thank you for the pictures…I have some of these in an album, but some I’ve never seen before.”

“I remember him telling me how much fun you two had on that trip.”

It goes on and on....It kind of makes me think “what if.”

“What if” he never died?

Because seriously ..... WHAT IF?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Where would I be today? Would I be happier or would I be sad? Would I be a Mom or would I be working? Would I be living in Nor Cal? Would I be foregoing my dreams for him? What if my dreams are actually those I haven’t realized yet?
What if life was completely DIFFERENT?!!!

So many questions…So many emotions…

I love Kathy (his mom) she is freaking awesome…So of course I wonder…What if Ricky and I actually did get married and had kids together? Would I have that super strong family bond I’ve always dreamed of having (I don’t get that from my family)?

It brings me to my Mom and I.

Again…As many know, my Mom and I don’t really get along (never have and never will)…We do on the surface, but not when it comes to deep and passionate issues…

My Mom drive me fucking crazy. For the most part I can’t fucking stand her.

I hung up on her last Thursday and have not heard from her since.

I know I will talk to her again, but as of now I have no intention on doing so anytime soon…

I upset my sisters…My sister Kristin text me “Please don’t sever ties with Mom, she will be devastated forever and you WILL regret it someday.

I’m sure I would…Maybe…

However, the way I see it is that my Mom is not the “Mom” I once knew…The Mom I once knew is already DEAD to me. She does NOT exist anymore and never will.

She will never be the same and has no intention of ever reverting back to her usual self.

That is fine…We as individuals have the RIGHT to choose how we live our lives. We as individuals reserve the RIGHT to be free of criticism…To live how we want, to follow our own desires at the expense of others and a life we we want to live.

However…Freedom always comes with a price. Let’s not ever forget that.

Sometimes you have to give up your family in order to feel “free.” Sometimes you have to give up a “vice” such as alcohol, drugs, working, caffeine, whatever to be “free.”

Whatever it is that makes you “free” it doesn’t come easily.

It just makes me scared of the future of my relationship with Eva.

Nothing scares me more than losing her…

The main reason I wanted a son so bad is because I feel like I do not know how to “mother” a daughter…I feel like I will some how poison things and I will fuck up somewhere to the point she no longer wants anything to do with me (as I don’t want much to do with my mom).

I’ve been doing everything in my power (and always will) to ensure our bond always stays strong…Yet I’m also mindful of the quote “Sometimes love is not enough.”

I have already told Eric that I will kill myself if Eva ever stops talking to me and hates me. I will feel useless and will not have a reason to live.

The reason I chose the name Eva is because it means “life.” To me she is MY LIFE. She is the only reason I breathe. The only reason I fight so hard to be the best I can be. I strongly feel Eva is the only reason I was ever born and the reason past suicide attempts have failed.

I feel she IS LIFE. Without her, there is no use for me…

How do I protect that? How do I always make her feel valued, appreciated, loved, significant, and supported?!

How will I cheer her up on bad days so she doesn’t wallow in pity for too long? How do I protect her from depression, from bad feelings, from sadness, and from rejection?!

Of course the answer is that I simply CAN NOT protect her from life…She is the meaning of life, and part of life is having downs with ups…

I just hope that no matter the challenges she faces, she will never forget I’m her #1 supporter. I will be here for her no matter what. There is nothing she could do that would make me love her less (well maybe some things like a brutal murder…could you imagine being Jodi Arias’ mom…OMG I’d kill myself for sure if I were her).

Seriously though…I’m afraid that I’m going to somehow screw up my daughter because of the toxic relationship I have with my own Mom.

I sometimes have the feeling I have NO IDEA how to be a Mom…Then there are days I feel like “I got this, it’s all good.”

Anyway…I guess it was a pointless entry…Just diarrhea of the mommy brain. Being a Mom is much more complicated than I ever thought it would be.

Not saying I thought it would be “easy” (I knew first hand it would be difficult and that is why I waited til I was 30), however, I still didn’t have a clue as to just how difficult and DELICATE the relationship between mother and child is.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s the most beautiful of experiences ever…However, it is no where near easy. Those who claim they have all the answers are full of shit. I’m convinced NO ONE does…It’s a “fly by the seat of your pants” kinda journey. You make mistakes. You learn. You grow…

Last updated September 04, 2014