I have a problem where I don’t stop talking… even if people are no longer responding. Someone will ask me a question, and I’ll launch into a pages-long answer that gives probably too much information, because once I start, I cant stop. I just want to get it all out. I want to spill my guts. I want someone to talk to.
If I answer you at all, expect to learn too much. If I don’t trust you or I don’t want to share with you, I’ll be vague and short in my responses, but I’m a pretty open person. I don’t really keep secrets, I don’t hide things, I don’t fake it. I will tell you how it is. Almost always.
I think people are continually shocked to hear about how “it really is” at my house. I am a pretty outgoing, happy person most of the time. I’m loud and funny and I smile and laugh a lot. I make the best of things. I don’t dwell on the negatives. I don’t talk about Ross-stuff on facebook, because his mom and dad are both on my page. His brother is one of my good friends, too… in fact one of my besties is his brother’s girlfriend. A lot of my friends are people I met through Ross and Jesse (his brother) or their family.
Honestly, it’s beyond dysfunctional. We sort of ignore each other. We talk as needed. Like, I don’t just snub him 24/7, but I certainly don’t engage in a lot of conversations that are based on personal interest or anything like that. He wouldn’t care. He would criticize. He would probably not even listen.
I think being with Ross makes me a lot less… me. I’m not who I want to be when I’m with him. I get mad easily, I get frustrated a lot, I tend to get upset with the kids because I know the things they are doing will upset Ross (everything upsets Ross) and I don’t want to have to deal with Ross freaking out, or saying mean things to them, because it makes me mad and I also have to back track and smooth over their hurt feelings.
I wonder if Ross will spend much time with Milo when he and I split up. Maybe he’ll take him on his days off. Maybe he won’t. When I stayed out at Heather’s house for a couple weeks last year, he barely saw Milo at all. He’d take him for a couple of hours, act put upon, and then freak out if I suggested he might want to keep him a little longer.
He got up with him this morning, after I spent a long night trying to convince Milo to stay in bed and that 4am, and then 5am, wasn’t morning, and they played together and hung out all morning until nap time. Ross made him lunch and showed him how to play a new game, they had a lot of fun and played Legos… etc etc. I know he’s capable of this stuff, so why can’t he just be like this all the time?
Part of me knows that it’s not 100% his fault, but the rest of me doesn’t care. I’ve put up with it for too long, and I don’t want to deal with it anymore. I’m tired. I’m hurt. and I’m done.
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