And it only took 30 years... in The New Book
- Dec. 7, 2023, 12:50 p.m.
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- Public
I did it. I left. It happened on Saturday but I’m already close to signing for an apartment. I’m THAT done. It should’ve happened A LONG time ago. We all know that. Luckily, I’ve been planning for it for awhile now. I had a loose “safe exit” plan in place. The only thing not settled was where I was going to stay. I had wanted to get an apartment before I left but I just couldn’t take it anymore. It’s working out so far though. In fact, its going so smoothly I feel like the universe is giving me a sign that this is the exact right thing to be doing.
I’m a helluva lot more emotional & unstable than I thought I’d be. Most folks tell me that is normal. I don’t like it. That doesn’t express it enough. I HATE IT. Not being able to stuff things down & contain it from causing breakdowns & overreactions kinda feels like I’m bleeding out. Like, I’m actually dying. I know I’m hurting the feelings of someone I really love too. That hurts even more & causes even more intrusive emotions.
I’m signing up for therapy, of course. It’s just not a quick thing to get that all set up.
I’m exhausted. I’m sleeping but its severely broken up sleep. I wake up every 45 minutes to an hour. That’s also part of the issue, I’m sure. I’m too tired & don’t have the energy I need to keep my emotions under better control. I’m going to pick up some Vistaril from the pharmacy tonight. I hope it helps, Benadryl & Melatonin have done nothing.
It really sucks to be SO CERTAIN that the choices I’m making are exactly what I need to do and to also feel like I’m losing my mind at the same time. Don’t get me wrong. I have already enjoyed more life in the last few days than I’ve had in years. I’ve had glimpses of how great things are going to be. I’m just a little worried that maybe my brain is a little too broken now. Maybe without the constant restrain & control I was living under, I’ll end up crushing myself with the wicked shit my brain screams.
But hey, I did it. That’s the important part.
Last updated December 07, 2023
Deleted user ⋅ December 07, 2023
You will adapt. You will cope. That is what the human mind does. When you’re feeling overwhelmed, I suggest you sit comfortably, and just breathe in and out in a relaxed, measured manner and whatever comes to mind look at it then let it go don’t fasten upon it. There’s no reason to feel guilty from what I am seeing here. You needed to be free and find your own way and that is what you are doing and you’re doing it well. You are not falling down you are not failing. You are doing very good and perhaps, for once you are enjoying life. I suspect that you look forward to seeing every day now instead of dreading every day. I wish you all the best.
A. Nony Mouse Deleted user ⋅ December 08, 2023
Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate your suggestion. I'm sure I will find proper ways to cope with these emotions. In the end, I'm also sure it will be worth it.
Deleted user A. Nony Mouse ⋅ December 08, 2023
Glad you are staying positive! :-) You are welcome!
AnOrangeZebra ⋅ December 07, 2023
<3
A. Nony Mouse AnOrangeZebra ⋅ December 08, 2023
hugs
Sleepy-Eyed John ⋅ December 07, 2023
:)
A. Nony Mouse Sleepy-Eyed John ⋅ December 08, 2023
I'm gonna take that as kudos and I appreciate it.
Park Row Fallout ⋅ December 08, 2023
I've been terribly absent as a reader but when I saw this in my bookmarks, I had to rush over and congratulate you. I know it's a weird time but you said it perfectly. This is certainly the right thing; even if it is still a hard thing... and in different ways than you might have anticipated. Glad you're looking into therapy. Even for "every day big life changes" it's good to get help; something like this is ever so much more so.
A. Nony Mouse Park Row Fallout ⋅ December 14, 2023
I have been an absolute awful reader so I get it. I do appreciate you stopping in with some support words though. I hope you're doing very well these days!
Soulshine ⋅ December 15, 2023
I've been reading you for years and years and years and was never sure this day would come. CONGRATS! You're such a badass for going through with it.
It may seem annoying for me to say this, and I get it, but exercise and endorphins are really helpful for good sleep. I know you are tired, exhausted even, but a brisk walk helps sometimes. Also, journaling, getting everything out of your head best you can, I wish you luck!
A. Nony Mouse Soulshine ⋅ January 04, 2024