After so long, why? in Journaling

It’s been so long since we’ve seen each other so why do I still think of you? Maybe I’m still processing everything that happened. Maybe it’s because despite all of the horrible shit that happened between us, you were still my friend. I cared about you. I wanted so badly to have a place in my life for you no matter what but we just burned down the only bridge we had left like fuck! Were we really that addicted to each other that the only thing that could separate us was just ruining any chance of speaking again beyond repair?

I sit and think of everything that happened and play it out again and again and I don’t see how there was any other way. I think of all of the lessons I learned from being with you and sometimes I think the reason I still get stuck on all of this is just that there was simply no closure. It always felt like there was more to say. I mean that’s why we would sit in a parking lot or by a lake or whatever for hours on end and never, ever run out of things to say. I still have so much left that I want to tell you. I have so many questions unanswered. I miss my friend, I miss our talks. I hate what happened but I hate not being able to understand this even more.

I just hope wherever you are, you’re doing okay. I hope you’re working on the monster hidden in the shadows that I seen that night. I’m working on getting better and I just hope you are too. I hope you don’t hate me. I did what I had to… but I didn’t have much of a choice. I wish so bad to tell you everything that’s happened since then and the things I’ve learned. I think you’d be proud of me. You hurt me so bad but I could never hate you. We were both just sick and in love. What a shit show that turned out to be…