Rehab is getting easier. I'm starting to talk in group, give my input, and ask questions.
Today I actually brought up the topic of honesty, trust, and forgiveness. I'm still struggling over Hubby's affair. It's been 6 months since I found out...which is about the length of his affair. I keep hearing our arguments and discussions over and over in my head. As well as the discussion I had with his mistress. I am literally driving myself crazy. (haahaa...get it, I'm in recovery for mental illness) I keep thinking about how often he'd go to the grocery store "for" me, be gone for 4 to 5 hours and then come home with just a few items. I'm having trouble getting past that he called her 7 times on the day of my surgery when he refused to go with me to the hospital. He used the kids as his excuse for not going. The kids had a way to school, so there was no excuse for him not to be with me.
I hate him for doing this to our marriage. Breaking my trust in him by keeping secrets....not to mention he defended the home wrecker and insisted I leave her alone. He still says they were just friends, but if that's the case then why hide it? why defend her? He used to defend me and show that he loved me. He doesn't do either anymore. Instead it's nothing, but complaints. Complaints about how much he hates his job, cutting the grass, changing the litter box, my illness, and the list goes on and on.
He broke my trust and now I question everything. Like when I was gone for a month over the summer why did he buy creamer when he takes his coffee black. His excuse was that he wanted to try something different. The whipped cream in the fridge hasn't been used since we got home, but yet he had an excuse for buying that as well. Looks to me like he had company while I was gone. He keeps his phone locked which makes me wonder what he's hiding. If he had nothing to hide then he wouldn't need to lock his phone. I'm paranoid, but I feel like he has given me reason to be.
I really think he's only with me because of our kids.
As part of my recovery from my mental illness I'm supposed to journal 20 minutes every day. I'm averaging about 2 minutes every other day or so. I suppose some is better than none. I'm a work in progress.
I've gotten to where I don't dread going as much as I used to. I'm starting to make friends with some of the ladies there. We decided as a group to have a pot luck for lunch on Halloween. I'm actually looking forward to it.
I ordered Bean's Halloween costume yesterday. It's already been shipped, so hopefully it'll get here before Halloween. She's going to be a zombie cheerleader. LT still hasn't decided what he wants to be for Halloween.
I talked to Bug last night. She's doing well...busy with school. She was a little miffed about a comment I made on one of her friend's FB posts that had tagged Bug in it. The dude deleted the post and then deleted Bug and blocked her. Geez, I think he took it to the extreme. Oh well. Sometimes the truth hurts. Just look at what I'm struggling with now, goes back to truth and trust.
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