Still Kicking... in Heartstrings At Dusk

I don’t know what to put but I wanted people to know that I’m still alive. Then again, maybe I’m just trying to convince myself of that. I don’t really know. I’ve been fighting against my mind more lately. I often feel like I’m too sensitive and too quiet. Like not being able to be near my husband for more than three tv episodes all weekend (outside groceries which is just high anxiety inducing) really shouldn’t bother me as much as it does. I should be fine. I should be halt that we even hung out for those three tv episodes. Yet it just makes me feel like we’ll grow distant. Like once again someone will abandon me… Will neglect me… And I hate that my brain goes this route because my husband had been the best thing to happen to me. He has been patient, understanding, supportive, and loving. Yet my broken brain makes me feel the distance more than anything these days. I have my first therapy session in a week. Someone new. First person I’ve seen in about four years and I’m terrified. I’m always terrified though. They could think I’m just being dramatic. They could think I need to be locked up. They could think I just want narcotics. I’m so used to psych people seeming kind at first only to betray me in the end. Mix that with the fact I’m disabled… And unemployed… Perfect setup for someone to think of me as trash. I already know I’m trash. I already know my husband is way out of my league. Yet I’m trying so hard to keep together. And he knows what I think of myself and what I think of him. Yet he still stays and tries to reassure me. I wish I were actually good enough for him.

I think that’s really all I can say without becoming too repetitive. Maybe now I can get some sleep before my husband gets up for work.

I’m sorry to anyone who actually read this. It’s kind of a dumpster fire, huh? I just needed to get this all off my chest.

I wish everyone a blessed day and a blessed life.

~DuskWhisperer~