I had my first ever therapy session recently.

I woke up on Monday and realized I hadn’t showered in 3 days and the kitchen and my office were a total mess. I hadn’t posted anything online in weeks.

I was a mess.

I just had enough. I showered, cleaned everything up and posted some content. But this has happened so many times in the past. I had to do something.

So I regrettably went with the only therapy choice I knew, which is that one online option that you see in ads all the time. But I figured if I’m gonna make a first step I need the easiest option to lower the friction of actually doing it. Maybe eventually I’ll find something local where I can go and talk to someone. I feel like being in person face to face could make it better too. but this is fine for now.

Long story short, I got matched with a sassy black lady who curses a lot… I love it so much. Yes that matters a lot. She gets real with me about my bullshit. It’s still early so some of the things she says about me I’m not sure I totally agree with but it’s like a process of getting to know each other so I assume it will get better.

But one thing she accused me of is “Self-bullying.”

I actually thought I had an ego problem before. Like thinking I was smarter than most people, more talented… etc. But she said “okay but everytime you brag even a little bit about yourself, you always follow it up with something negative.” and sure enough she goes back into her notes and mentioned every time specifically like “You told me you graduated college… buuuut it took u 10 years. BITCH U STILL FINISHED SHUTUP” I was like “damn… u right…”

I think I’m so scared of having an ego problem that I over-correct and shit talk myself to keep myself in check. Or it could be just that I have no confidence in the first place and the real me comes out in the end. I guess I have some thinking to do.

Anyway, only 2 sessions in and I feel like I should have done this a while ago (a lil self bully there I guess lol)

NHRA

I got invited out to the NHRA drag racing event and it was actually a lot of fun. My dad seemed really stoked about it for a while because I was able to secure plenty of tickets and parking.

But unfortunately a couple days before the event my dad flaked. He said he doesn’t like big crowds and craziness and I was like “what took you so long to figure all that out” I was really looking forward to giving my dad the star treatment and letting him go wherever he wanted and such. It’s such a bummer he’s become a paranoid mess over the years.

I really do blame the media for that one. He watches a lot of news (he says he doesn’t but its always on the TV when I show up so I don’t buy it) and anytime politics comes up in discussion he gets super frustrated and angry really fast. Like even if the discussion isn’t passionate or about anything important, he goes from 0-100 real quick. I think he needs therapy more than I do.

But anyway I was also bummed because he’s not really taking good care of himself anymore and I’m worried about his health. I’ve been bugging him about the smoking for a long long time and now he’s gaining a ton of weight and not really doing any physical activity. I haven’t been successful in getting him to change at all (even bribing him with an 80 inch TV lol) so I’m worried that this could have been one of the last times we get to do this.

Well anyway my brother was able to go with me and holy shit I’m also worried about him too. He seems like he’s spiraling a lot lately. He’s about to turn 40 in January and he hasn’t really figured out his passion yet. He had two kids pretty young and they’re both nearly grown at this point and live with their mom. He and his wife don’t seem to be doing very good and he hates his job. He keeps talking about buying a yacht and sailing the world and I’m like “with what money didn’t mom and dad just loan you gas money?”

So yeah I’m worried about a lot of my family members… wait I was talking about drag racing oh yeah lol.

So we got to see the cars really really close and when the top fuelers come out it’s… an experience to say the least. These cars have so much power that taking off feels like you’re getting punched in the chest. I mean, it’s literally like a small stick of dynamite going off thousands of times per second 5 feet from you so it kind of makes sense haha. Luckily with my tiktok outfit I have to wear headphones so they doubled as ear protection.

I did try to film some tiktoks but I didn’t really have time to get anything good especially with the crowd density and how fast paced everything is with all the drivers. We’ll see if I have anything worth posting.

I will say though that even just one day of walking around and standing has my body HURTIN. I really need to use this garage gym more and get in better shape because if that’s all it takes to make me feel this way I’m in serious trouble. Being 34 ain’t as easy as being 24 that’s for damn sure. I’m definitely looking forward to 44 wheeeeeee :( lol

Anyway that’s all for now!