PSA english is not my first language, so please dont mind the various mistakes.
I’m a recent college graduate and have been looking for a job for a while. The idea of looking for the perfect job lasted about a week. the endless scrolling through the job ads made me more and more despressed about the whole entire thing. if only i has studies accountancy, then i could apply for a job as an accountant and that would be that. although that may be a slight oversimplification of the process, it is whats playing in my head. I studied something that can lead my into many different career paths and im finding it very difficult. I did not have incredible grades or did not go to an incredible school. I do not have any special skills of knowlegde that really makes me valuable. Updating my CV and portfolio makes me feel like an animal for sale. that is in essence what im trying to do, sell myself. i cant help but feel incredibly inadequate. each job ad comes with a list of requirements, any that list 2+ years of experience are immediatly out, as i dont have any apart from student/summer jobs. i never properly meet the listed traits and skills, and people tell me not to mind and apply anyway. so i do, but only half actually reach out, the rest never let me know a thing. even an email turning me down makes me happy, at least they took the time to let me know. this whole ordeal has been going on since august (it is now middle october). my friends and family ask how the search is going and if i have found anything every time we meet. and its driving me insane. i feel so insecure. one of my best friends also graduated at the same time as me. she knew exactly what she wanted to do and got herself that job, she’s teaches secondary school economics. it seems that everyone else just knows how to do this thing called ‘life’ and im left out alone in the rain. it reminds me of this thing that this guy said, that this other guy said better:
“Oscar Wilde said that if you know what you want to be, then you inevitably become it - that is your punishment, but if you never know, then you can be anything. There is a truth to that. We are not nouns, we are verbs. I am not a thing - an actor, a writer - I am a person who does things - I write, I act - and I never know what I am going to do next. I think you can be imprisoned if you think of yourself as a noun.”
this makes me think about a lot, but i cant seem to figure out how to be a verb. i sit around at home, iget up around noon, eat something, do nothing all day, then have dinner, then do nothing for a few more hours, and around 2 am i go to sleep. i live with my parents now and they support me, as they did my older siblings after they graduated and started working. both my siblings found jobs within 2 months of graduating within their fields and have been doing them happily for years. both my parents have been working30+ years a the first job they got (they have climbed up but are still with the same company etc). and i feel so alone.
now all of this mess had led me to deduce the only leftover option. as i am turned down for jobs fow which i am technically overqualified. it must just be me. i am not very smart of good at anything. i am rather mediocre and average. how do i face this reality?
people say i’m a pessimist. i disagree. i see many joyful things in the world. it’s just that i am not one of them. i have never been the best at anything. of course there is no problem with being average, it’s a human reality that most of us simply are. but i find myself wishing for the simple things, i just want a kitchen of my own, and a job that i don’t hate, and some money, and a sunday of work that i can spend with friends. i would like a wooden dining table, nothing too big, 6 people max. i could never fill a table larger than that any way. but i look at the cost of housing (context i live in west europe) and food and i feel depressed. i doubt i will ever own my own property. i will never be rich, not that i want to be. but even the average simple life i yearn for these days seems out of reach. am i being sellfish? am i arrogant? am i a bad person? i thing the world is hard and cold and i have responded by copying it. i know one person who does the opposite and she amazes me immensly. i wish i could be kind in the face of hatred, but i don’t have the strength.
anyway im just rambling on and on now, very sorry if you have put yourself through this entire thing. im sure it’s a mess. i cant be bothered to re-read this before posting so yeah, apologies. no need to reply, just wanted someone somewhere to know. even if it’s an anthropologist 2000 years from now, and somehow magically this is all that’s left of the internet. although i suppose that’s just me and my grand godly delusions again.
byebye x
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