I woke up this morning with a strong feeling that my father would be popping by for a visit. He likes to ride his motorcycle up to our apartment, unannounced, at least a few times a month.
Sure enough, around 11, I hear his bike come ripping into our complex. My husband had just finished working out, and sighed quite audibly because we’ve tried telling my dad that he needs to call before he just shows up, but it’s no use. Dad thinks he shouldn’t have to announce when he wants to visit his “baby girl” and the day he has to would be the saddest day of his life. So I don’t press the issue.
Anyway, he came in, gave me a huge hug and a kiss and asked me how I am. I told him aside from the bloated feeling and the heartburn, I’m feeling much better than I have been the past few weeks. He asked for some water and sat down, and I know what was coming next.
He started going off about mom. I didn’t want to think about it, I didn’t want to face it as a reality, but not-so-deep-down I knew the inevitable happened. Mom’s back on the pills again. Leaving the stove burners on, unable to complete thoughts or sentences, falling and dropping shit all over the place… it’s a hot mess that I don’t have the time or energy to deal with. Dad is devastated and at his wits end because he knows that the baby will never be left at his house if the chance of mom being alone with him is even a possibility. I trust dad with all of my heart, I don’t trust my mother at all.
Which brings me to a huge dilemma I’m having. I don’t want my mother in the room when I give birth to the baby. This wouldn’t be an issue at all if I didn’t want my aunt, her sister, at my bedside.
My Aunt Chrissy has been more of a mother to me over the past 10 years than my own mother ever has been. Truthfully, my aunt has been more of a mother over the course of my entire life. Briar suggest having a chair for my mother to sit in so she’s not actively involved, but the last thing I want is her toxic energy in the room with me while I’m giving birth to my first child, and I really feel like I’m going to need my aunt there with me. I don’t know how to handle this and I can’t seem to get focused enough to ask the God’s for advice. I think right now I’m just far too emotional over the subject.
On a completely unrelated note, the new Amy Lee album is fucking BOSS. It makes me feel incredibly powerful and centered. I think it’s going to be my new meditation soundtrack for a while.
I guess that’s all I have for now. Our next appointment is a week from today and it’s to hear the heartbeat! Baby is the size of a grape this week. :]
Blessed be, witches! <3
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