I just came back from a retreat a few hours ago, with the church in the community that I’ll be living in within the next few months. It was good, but difficult. The whole thing was in Spanish, of course, so my brain is a bit fried. It’s hard to say how much of it I was able to understand, but a guess would put me at somewhere between 30-45%.
People were really loving and welcoming, but there were a lot of things going on with me that made it difficult. The first few hours went well, but by the end of it, I had a knot in the pit of my stomach, and really felt like retreating to the safety of my bedroom back at my host family’s house, closing the door, and letting loose with a flood of tears.
The first issue was the battle with my spiritual identity. I have been struggling with this a long time. And this battle is about making my current beliefs–not in a “god” per say, but in the connectedness and intentionality of a living, breathing universe–square up with the beliefs, but more importantly, the community, that I was raised with–the Catholic community. And here’s the thing: a lot of things fit together just fine with very little effort, but I get so stuck on the language, among other things. And so begins this weird spiral of thoughts every time I find myself in a traditional Catholic setting. It goes something like this:
“What I believe isn’t really the same as what all these people believe. I don’t belong here. No, that’s not true, these people are loving and accepting and don’t care if I don’t articulate my spirituality in the same way that they do. ‘God’ is really just love, and that’s basically the same thing as my thoughts about the universe. But no, I’m just trying to make something fit that doesn’t. But the whole purpose of religion is community, becoming a better person, and sharing with others, not getting into the nitty gritty details and arguing about which interpretation is the right one! And most of the people here would probably be on that page if I actually talked to them about that…” And on, and on, around in circles it goes. It’s sometimes very emotional for me because the Catholic tradition is a big part of what makes me who I am. I respect it. I value it. But I don’t believe in it completely anymore. …not in the way I used to. And I just am having such a challenging time trying to sort it all out.
There is a course of action here to take, which is hopeful. I feel pretty good about it, in truth. All of this confusion, this is a big part of why I wanted to come here to Cochabamba, in this way, with this program. This is a place that is to diverse and accepting, and already I have encountered people ALL over the map in terms of spirituality and personal beliefs. I have been avoiding addressing these things that are at odds inside of me in part because I didn’t feel equipped to do so on my own. But this past week, I decided to start taking spiritual direction, and after this retreat experience, I feel compelled to do some digging into the things that I have always been drawn to about Catholic spirituality, and make a greater effort to learn. I want to read about the Gnostics and the Mystics, get into the mythology and more esoteric side that the current church grew from. There’s a lot there, and I have only ever scratched the surface, but when I have, I’ve felt a spark of enormous potential there. I think for me to feel connected to these traditions, and let go of the spiral of combative thought, it would help me to find the side that parallels the other spiritual traditions of the world that I’m drawn to, including but not limited to Buddhism. There’s a lot to be discovered here.
Back to the retreat and the knot in my stomach…
The second part is just being an outsider. No being proficient in Spanish and missing a lot of what’s going on. Not being close with the other volunteers yet as they are to each other, simply because I’m the newbie and that’s part of it. Not identifying with this religion anymore in the same way that most of the other people gathered there were. It’s just pretty exhausting after 10 hours of a retreat. It was good overall, but you can’t help but let a little bit of that “outsider” feeling get to you when it comes down to it. However, I know this is temporary, and it will get better. But first it will be hard for awhile. Breathe. Acceptance. Patience.
And the last part is so complex it merits a whole separate entry, for which I am too tired, and it is too late to write at this moment. I’m going to sleep on it and see how things look in the morning.
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