Tired in Heartstrings At Dusk

Some days I hate that the only thing I’m good at is my writing. I can create stories and characters and creatures and worlds. Which is all fun stuff… but it doesn’t pay the bills when the world of YA books is so flooded by people trying to tell their own stories. I wish I had a brain that could understand math and science so I could be a doctor or go into psychiatry. I wish I could be a machinist or a mechanic. I wish so badly I could work in a far more financially stable job. Some days I just want to throw all my creativity away so I can actually feel like I’m contributing in my household.

I say that but I’ll likely delete this entire post when I come back from this current depressive episode. Who knows.

I’m just tired. I want to finally have the right meds to fix my broken mind. I want so badly to have the answers to know why my brain and body don’t function the right way. Is this a cry for help or a swan song? No. I don’t think so. Just the ramblings of a broken soul trapped in a broken body and mind. My body doesn’t want to function right. My insurance doesn’t want to help me despite being disabled. I don’t bring in any money with the two books I’ve written and it makes it so hard for me to want to write more. My mother seems to think that just cuz she can sell a bunch on her kids books that means I should be able to sell a bunch on my YA books. Kids books are just in a higher demand and people are a lot less picky about what they pick up in that genre. YA books are so overwhelmingly flooded that I’m lucky if my books get noticed. Plus I’m self-published with no training in marketing (nor the mental capacity to understand it) and so selling them isn’t easy for me like it is her. I’m so tired of constantly having to fight against everyone’s expectations for me… even worse… fighting against the expectations I was forced to have upon myself because of the toxic way I was brought up. I have no idea why I still fight but I do. Maybe it’s spite. Maybe it’s fear. I don’t even know.

Idk how often I’ll be posting here after today but I’m just… I’m not well. I’ve tried for so long to keep pretending I am but it’s just getting so hard. I’m just so tired.

~DuskWhisperer~