I don’t know – I know for sure I’ve got ADHD because I’ve been formally diagnosed and, also, the diagnostic criteria are an incredibly apt description of myself, and my life, so it fits.
But here, autism
I’ve always had social problems. I’ve always found socialising difficult, and it doesn’t come naturally, and I’m unquestionably introverted. I don’t enjoy socialising and I find it very exhausting. Now, introversion doesn’t necessarily mean “autism spectrum disorder,” but consider this:
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I’ve always had difficulty with my own emotions, ie, emotional outbursts out-of-the-blue, seemingly at random, taking people by surprise and upsetting them.
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I’ve always been very uncomfortable with other people’s emotions. I don’t like it when other people get emotional at me, even when they’re my own children.
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It’s always been hard to pick up social cues, I’ve never found it easy to read body language or facial expressions. It’s particularly hard to tell when people are getting bored/annoyed.
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I’ve always been rather happy to be a “loner,” and loner-ness is certainly my comfort zone.
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I’d definitely be single still if my husband hadn’t come and found me. He really pulled me out of my shell when I first met him, and was always very interested in, persistent about dating me.
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One of my husband’s biggest complaints about me has always been my discomfort around emotions and lack of “emotional intelligence” (although we’ve both made tremendous strides in this area thanks to therapy the past few years!)
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Multiple people have described me as “Spock-like”
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Multiple people have told me that I come across as blunt, disinterested.
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Multiple people have told me on social media that I seemed like a “standoffish bitch” in high school, but “now that I’ve really talked to you via social media, you’re lovely and I wish we’d been better friends in school.” I felt lonely in hs, idk, I didn’t know where to begin with talking to anyone or befriending them. It’s always been hard to connect with other people.
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Everyone tells me that I often seem “out of it,” ie, “in my own world” - this could be ADHD though, yes, I’m often “not present” in the moment and am off mentally daydreaming of something else.
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Eye contact makes me feel uncomfortable
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It’s hard to identify the emotion I’m feeling at any given moment and also hard to identify what other people are feeling.
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I don’t attend well to friendships, I’ll vanish for months at a time, I don’t reply to texts and emails because I don’t know what to say. I hate thinking of social things to say in social situations.
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Many, many people have told me that I’m a “huge weirdo” and that I come across like a weird, strange person.
Now, I’ve got a good group of friends and I’ve got an active social life, but I’ve FORCED myself to do this. It was a massive, massive leap outside of my comfort zone, and I did it because I wanted to be a role model for my children, and I wanted to show them how socialising wasn’t scary. I do wonder how much of this is just my mother telling me that social interaction is a scary thing, that it’s better and safer to hide out. My mother grew up in an alcoholic family, and the household shrouded themselves in secrecy and isolation due to the alcoholism, and my mother really thinks everyone is judging her, that secrecy and isolation are the way-to-go, that people are scary, etc etc and I grew up believing that what she said was factual, and I’m sure this affected me as a child. So I swallowed my social-phobia and went out and got mummy friends.
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I am able to, in some situations, come across as a cheery and friendly person for brief periods of time – but only for brief periods of time, and it’s 75% an act.
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People think I’m “a good listener” because in social situations, I sit there and don’t talk. Other people think I’m “manic” or “perhaps on drugs?” because I’m trying to be “outgoing.”
I’ve read about autism “masking” and it sounds familiar - like something I’ve done all my life. Repeating phrases exactly as others say them? Yes. Creating scripts and rehearsing them? Yes. Watching others and copying their social behaviours? Yes. Well, my preferred go-to in social situations (so as not to come across as “manic” or “high”) is to silently sit and watch people with an interested expression, nodding my head because then people will just think I’m “a good listener” and people like being listened-to.
I can’t write emotional letters or notes. I have two SILs who write beautiful, poetic thank-you notes and birthday cards and sympathy letters. I don’t do well with that, my brain just freezes up, but I can write amazing CVs and business letters (no lie, I get interviewed 2/3 times, I should seriously start a CV-writing business.)
Some things that also fall under the ADHD umbrella - not noticing “rules” such as not talking over people, impulsivity, fidgeting, needing to move constantly, being unable to stay in my seat.
I pick at my skin repeatedly, but I reckon it’s something I do when I can’t leave my seat. For example, I’m stuck in a boring meeting - I’ll find a bit of dry skin behind my ear and I’ll just pick and pick and pick at it. In high school, one time, I was sent to the infirmary to check for head lice because another student noticed I was picking my head until it bled. School was hard because it was hard to sit still. Meetings are hard. I don’t like sitting still.
Massive lifelong sensory issues:
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I don’t like to be touched. I didn’t like being hugged or cuddled by my parents.
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I wore the same clothes every day as a child and threw fits whenever someone tried to make me wear something other than my preferred 2 outfits. Even now, I have like 3 outfits that I rotate.
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I don’t do turtlenecks or woolens.
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Bright lights, crowds, loud noises, cause me to have meltdowns even now, but at least now I’m able to say “I’m having a meltdown and I need to leave.”
Arranging things
My all-time favourite childhood toys were My Little Ponies, and I mainly played with them by lining them up in complicated arrangements. It was all about the colours and patterns I could create. With Care Bears, Barbie, the entire thing was lining them up in various arrangements. I still love to arrange things in beautiful, artistic ways and it shouldn’t be surprising that I pursued a career in design where I could do this to my heart’s content.
Obsessive interests:
I came out of the womb loving outer space and science fiction stuff. In pre-school, I was obsessed with Star Princess and Pluta, and I remember telling everyone my name was Pluta, insisting on being called “Pluta,” only responding to the name “Pluta” and writing “Pluta” whenever asked to write my name. Then, later on, I discovered Star Trek: The Next Generation, and I proceeded to carry on incessantly about Star Trek: The Next Generation for the next four years, like, nonstop. My parents would listen to me talk about Star Trek with rapt attention, but kids in school didn’t. “Oh my god shut up with Star Trek already!” It was hard to tell when people were bored, and I didn’t really understand when my schoolmates didn’t want to read my latest fanfiction about Worf and Data.
So somewhere round about 13 or 14, I realised I needed to keep that under wraps so I could slot in and be liked by others. In high school, I mainly stayed silent or feigned an interest in things other people cared about.
Now, I haven’t just got a one-track mind. I’ve also been obsessed with ballet and gymnastics and astronomy and physics and design and education and anything else – I’ve got loads of obsessive interests that I can expound upon at very great length, in very great detail (I’m really good at trivia and, therefore, popular at trivia nights)
Stimming behaviour
I’ve already discussed the skin-picking. Also, there’s pen-tapping, pen-chewing, paper-folding when I need to be still. I can’t be still! I’ve got a lifelong habit of banging my head against the floor or a wall when I’m really upset.
Also - I don’t do this in a public setting because I know it’s inappropriate and I used to get punished for it as a child, but the constant ballet movements. The constant going through foot positions, or developpes or plies has a calming effect on me, and I’ll often unconsciously get up and just start using any line on the floor as a balance beam, and I’ll run through “choreography” - which must look ridiculous, but I’d go insane if I couldn’t do it.
I am WIPED OUT after any and all social interactions. My dad (I also suspect he’s in the autism spectrum) has often said “It’s hard pretending I’m a nicer person than I really am!” and I suppose I sort of relate to this - not that I think I’m an unpleasant person, but I’m just not “sociable” and pretending that I’m friendly consumes a lot of energy. I suppose this is introversion, I derive my energy from the time I get to spend alone. Often I’ll leave social events early for no good reason other than that I’m overwhelmed and need to rest.
Also, you know the character Allison Reynolds in “The Breakfast Club” (Ally Sheedy)? Never have I ever seen a character in a film that reminded me more of myself.
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