Not sure how to do this thing in Just in Case

This week has been extra rough for Daddy, which means rough for me, too. My best friend’s mom has been fighting dementia as well. She lost that battle a few days ago. Today was her funeral. Her final days hit Daddy hard, I tried to not give him all the details, but he really wanted them. It brought so much up about Mama, though. (I had to tell my friend that I couldn’t be there for the funeral, I had excuses, but the main truth is - I’m not ready to sit at any funeral, but especially not at a mom’s, where I will hear about how great a mom she was (and she truly was). She understood me not coming, but I wish I was strong enough to be there for her.
We also got Mama’s death certificate in today. They listed malnutrition as her cause of death. I knew that would be the case, and I know it’s a typical cod when it’s someone who has had dementia. It felt like it was pointing a finger at me, though, that I was to blame. Daddy pushed so hard for her to eat. Everything I read, everyone I spoke to, including hospice said, give hr what she wants, don’t make eating a battle. If she will only eat a bite, that’s a bite more than she would have otherwise. I can’t help but wonder if I could have tried something different.
I’m not handling things as well as I should. I work to keep a happy face here for Daddy, as much as I can. I try to keep it normal at school. That means I just keep pushing things down. I know that’s not healthy, but it’s what works for now. Except, now I tear up at the silliest of things.
I have a bag of the clothes Mama wore those 3 days at the nursing home. I can’t throw them away, or wash them, because they smell like her perfume. I keep the bag in my room, and pick it up from time to time, just to smell it.
I’ve got to work this out. I’ve got to process and deal, so I can be what I need to be for others. I never planned on what I would need to do after she was gone. :(
And she’s not here for me to ask. :(
I miss her.
So damn much.