“When the mirror of my life is polished by your love, the mirror of the world is no longer dull and dark.” - Rumi
As I attempt to parse through my feelings on day two without you, two things, at least for now, appear to bubble up to the top.
Optimism
Optimism is definitely uncharted territory. The quote from Rumi sums up how I feel very well. I’d say starting about a week out before getting to see you I noticed a definite uptick in optimism. It stands out like a beacon in a storm in my mind so it was readily apparent in its novelty. Hopefulness for the future stands in stark contradiction to my normal approach for the future. My internal mantras could probably be summed up as life sucks and then you die. Learn to find meaning in the suffering because that is the only constant. Like a soul in hell trying to find pleasure in dehydration, I tried to just embrace the ugliness and pain of life.
Then you came along, always my light. First you shone a light on a nonworking relationship and unappreciative girlfriend. And that was nothing you had to do consciously. You did it just being yourself. Then you knocked on a door I had buried deep in my subconscious and thought would never be opened again, and I told you I loved you. Hearing it back was probably the start of the weakening of my internal pessimist. It became weaker and weaker until the scales tipped towards optimism, definitely coinciding with seeing you. You always commented on my smirk, but on those days you saw my smile.
I’ve been struggling with where the feelings of longing fall and I do think, oddly enough, they fall here under optimism. There is a seesaw of feelings that exists between the feelings of longing/want/need and the certainty of seeing you again. Missing your kisses and looking forward to kissing you again. Missing the feel of you and anticipating feeling you again. Teetering back and forth between the greedy frustration of not having you now and the certainty that I’ll have you more consistently in the future. Its complicated.
Ultimately, I think what fuels the optimism is a certainty in our love for each other. I don’t even know if optimism is the right word for it. Its definitely new. All I know is that loving you and being loved by you is causing growth and that growth is overpowering previously held negative internal mental paradigms.
Anxiousness
The second feeling I don’t think I need to take a deep dive into. I think you fully understood me when I said that I think the closest approximation to how I feel about your current situation and the worry and anxiety I feel is akin to how you feel thinking about my time in Mississippi, except it is ongoing. I also worry about your health, even if you have wolverine blood running through your veins, for obvious reasons.
*Edit
After our most recent messages my anxiety for you is on ten. Partially I’m sure because I’m picking up on your own anxiety so I know I only feel a fraction of what your actual feelings. I hate that you have to deal with all the bullshit my dear.
I started looking at other Rumi quotes and this one really stuck with me so I’ll leave you with this.
“It’s no good giving my heart and my Soul because you already have these. So I’ve brought you a mirror. Look at yourself and remember me.” - Rumi
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