What’s done is done and I can only do what I’ve already done because you cannot rewrite history. That doesn’t stop me from being, probably unreasonably, upset at myself. I’m also angry at HIM. The more I hear of his antics and poor attempts at manipulation the more angry he makes me. Legitimately angry. I’m trying to figure out if this is a side effect of “being in my body.” The same way that optimism can creep its way into my heart does that open the door to other more repressed emotions? I don’t know. Its a new journey. But it does seem important to me to at least acknowledge that the anger is there. I know it is a byproduct of caring for you. Anything that disrupts your peace and ability to thrive and heal is inherently my enemy. His weakness and lack of accountability disgusts me and his treatment of you makes me want to break him. Of course we would likely never meet and even if we did, even if he was aggressive, I wouldn’t respond how I want to out of respect for you and your children.
At this point it is just impotent rage, but it is there. You stir up quite a bit of emotion in me in a way I have not experienced before. Hopefully you don’t take this negatively, because I don’t. Also, please don’t take this as a call to not discuss anything with me to spare me discomfort. I was feeling it and it felt appropriate to write about since we are so transparent with each other. The word passionate comes to mind. I am passionate and protective of you, whether you need protection or not. I hope you need the passion because I have a lot of that.
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