Where did you come from? in A New Beginning to an Old Story.
- Aug. 21, 2014, 8:31 a.m.
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- Public
Woah... Hello again. Where did you come from?! Gah, I didn't realize it's been so long sine I wrote. Which probably adds to the fact that I'm all pent up with emotions and thoughts and those feelings! So many feelings. It's weird how I live a life, with people in it, many people, however I feel the only place I can TRULY express myself to any degree that actually makes a difference - is here. Yet I never do? Wtf. I sign on, read my faves, then sign out.
So much shit has happened you guys. Good shit but even SHITTIER things have happened. I just feel so... lost right now. It's a weird feeling. You all are probably like, okay, super vague, what the hell?
Aside from EVERYTHING else that I will get into later because I plan on writing more. The number one biggest thing that happened was... my grandma passed away. The lady who raised me, who saved my life numerous times, the only one who ever believed in me and stayed by my side. I always said that if she ever died, I wouldn't know how to live without her. And now... I realize its more true than I thought. I've never had to live without her and I really don't know how. Its like if you were a chef of a fast paced restaurant, mid dinner-rush someone chopping your arms off and throwing you back in the kitchen and said "Keep working!" You'd go to and then realize...fuck... I have no arms... HOW THE HELL?! Then you just cry in a corner because you have NO IDEA WHAT TO DO... you know life moves on and that you're going to have to change your path...to suit your capabilities... but change sucks and I want to go back in time. :(
This sucks. And no one seems to get just how much this sucks. Which I don't blame them, they aren't in my emotionally devastated world. But blah.
Oh... and in a blitz of over run emotional vulnerability... I started a convo with my ex. We're meeting up tomorrow. Wtf crazy door have I just opened? A clusterfuck one, that's what kind. That didn't even make sense. THAT's A WHOLE OTHER STORY, though.
Deleted user ⋅ August 21, 2014
When your analogy for personal loss is comparable to double amputation in a fast-paced, dangerous career-field and you can't even come up with the end game for the imaginary forced surgery that just took place, I'd have to agree that you're in a really sucky place. And I don't intend for that to sound shitty or mean, so I'm sorry if it did. I'm so sorry for your loss. And I'm sorry I just caught you off the front page, so my adding this next question is more rhetorical (and probably ridiculously overstepping) than anything because I don't know you at all, but...it's your ex and exes are exes for some reason or another, and if you realize you reached out to him on a whim of emotional vulnerability, do you really think you should meet up with him? You seem like you know it's a bad idea going into it, and being that it's not till tomorrow, is it maybe a bit better for you emotionally to cancel today? Grief is such a bitch, and it's difficult to sort through on one's one, so I'm sorry if your ex is the only person you have to turn to; but if he's not the only person you have to turn to, I beg you to turn to whoever else you may have. Again, I'm very sorry for your loss and again, I'm very sorry for not knowing you and if my assuming things has struck as offensive - offense isn't at all my aim.