I am tired my dear. Hopefully I get some sleep tonight. I didn’t realize how tired I was until I involuntarily fell asleep this afternoon and struggled unsuccessfully to wake up. It hit me again when I was vacuuming the kitchen and thought about the cat scaring me the day before. It really was ridiculous. I actually saw the cat and then moved the chair and saw the cat again and it scared me. Small thing but 1) I rarely get scared 2) forgetting something that quickly is highly unusual for me. The only reason I probably didn’t fall asleep earlier was because I had the pleasure of getting to see you for an extended period of time and that is always energizing. I didn’t even realize how long we talked.
Kind of like how you noticed something was off with your mood earlier, in-between our call and collapsing into dreamland I realized something felt off. I suddenly felt insecure about taking up so much of your time. I can normally parse out negative thoughts pretty effectively but it was sticking today. Luckily you sent the follow-up text saying you miss me already which was grounding. But I guess if I go too long without getting enough sleep my ability center myself starts to get impacted.
I was thinking about what we were talking about earlier. During my divorce it was an absolute struggle to define myself outside of the context of pre-existing roles. There was a weird dichotomy of being seen as the ideal successful couple but being miserable at home in a relationship I couldn’t fix. She was also very comfortable placing every scrap of blame squarely on my shoulders, and falling into our bad relationship habits, I was all to willing to take it. Because I fix things and if I couldn’t fix that who else would be to blame. It took a while of separating myself from her or anyone else’s judgement, self-reflection, introspection, and therapy to define myself. So while our situations are not quite the same, hopefully I can provide some helpful insight on my own experience that might provide some perspective on your situation as you go through it. Also, I think you are pretty fucking awesome and will continue to remind you of that.
This last week is going to be rough. I don’t even know what to do with myself. I guess I could knock out some of these projects I have going on at work and catch-up on some shows. But those are a poor distraction for thinking about getting to see you. I can’t even wrap my mind around our second date yet. There is a battle going on between my natural pessimism and how hopeful and happy the prospect of that second date makes me. But the optimism is slowly winning out. I’m sure the optimism will be clapping the pessimism’s cheeks after next week. I tried to think of something sweet and clever, but my mind is shutting down so hopefully this will suffice.
I love you.
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