The memory thing doesn’t bother me because that has just how its always been. I only know mine seems to work differently because of the way I hear other people reference things chronologically in their lives. It could also just be a quirk of my mind. I’ll add that book to my ever growing reading list from you. I’m going to have to start knocking out some of these books.
Yesterday I pushed myself pretty hard on my squat day. Probably too hard because beside the normal soreness that comes with a hard workout I was experiencing cramps in my back, neck, and jaw. Imagine barely being able to chew without triggering a cramp. Working out is an odd mental space for me because of all of those years of going undiagnosed and experiencing that deep pain and lack of mobility in my hips, legs, and back. By all means I probably should have wasted away. Instead I just tried to be as efficient as possible in my workouts and concentrating purely on maintaining or gaining strength despite the pain. Workouts became a mental battle ground of just pushing through pain despite constantly sustaining injuries. Now that I do get treatments I have to be careful of pushing too hard and unnecessarily pushing myself to the point of injury. Injuries were inevitable before just because my body was going to betray me at some point. I’m still trying to work through what is appropriate now.
I like to think I have a strong mind because if my plan calls for 50 squats at XX weight. I’m doing it, whether it takes 20 minutes or a hour. It will get done. You tie in body insecurities into this mix and it is usually a recipe for disaster. With everyone out of my house, I again end up with about one to two days of no house guests or kids so I took a full gummy and that took me to Lala land and then to sleep extremely early. Now I’m up at 2am writing. I usually only do a quarter to a half of a gummy at a time.
Even as I closed my eyes awash of nothing and everything as my subconscious floated up to the visible realm my thoughts turned to you. Nothing specific, just a feeling of overall happy vibes and longing. Always an emptiness in my arms as if your natural place is being embraced in a hug. Part of my “patience” is how far I look ahead so don’t feel self-conscious about that. There are many possibilities for the future as far as actions that can be taken and how’ll they play out, but my love for you is a constant in that equation. I think we are inevitable, whether we figure it out at 40 or 55. That’s how far out I think when I think about us. I think in decades ma’am and hopefully that isn’t scary.
If hugs were leaves, I’d give you a tree
If kisses were water, I’d give you the ocean
If smiles were rocks I’d give you a mountain
If laughs were sand, I’d give you a desert
If tears were stars, I’d give you a galaxy
If frowns were petals, I’d give you a garden
If feelings were time, I’d give you eternity
If words were feelings, I’d give you my heart
If friendship were life, I would give you mine
Bradley Lester
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