The hardest part about putting myself in his shoes is that I couldn’t imagine treating you in a way to end up in the same situation. My day is full of you. Imagining touches, kisses, fucking, and the joy of the mundane. Showing you dumb ass videos, laying my head in your lap with your fingers in my hair, you straddling me with your head on my chest, you being my little spoon. how you feel in my arms, your voice in my ear, your lips on mine, how you taste. Mundane to sexual to silly.
I miss getting to hear you talk . I always learn something new talking to you and I love you challenging my normal chain of thoughts. I really don’t get challenged often or offered different perspectives so I enjoy you pointing out things I’m missing. I trust your intellect and experience. Its helpful to me and dealing with the kids. I miss your voice, but I’m willing to wait to hear it in person. I’m as patient as I have to be. I really don’t want to be. I really did want to flip my desk when the first date was cancelled, but what does my impotent rage accomplish. It did take a while to put the countdown back up. It was an emotional blow.
I often think about the span of time we’ve know each other and, at least for me, the consistency of emotion and how easy it has always felt to talk to you. I don’t know how you made it past our first conversations because I sounded like a complete asshole. I’m glad you did. A very odd issue I have is that while I have an otherwise excellent memory I have a problem sometimes remembering chronological time. I suspect a culprit of that are some suppressed childhood memories. I often hear people reference moments in time and their age and I really can’t do that. This suddenly took a darker turn. Some of those things I’ve told you about and some I haven’t even brought up in therapy.
I believe that you and I share a similar role in that we become the keeper of other people’s secrets. Something in our being invites it. I imagine it is an aurora of unjudging openness. The reason I think people hide things from each other is fear of rejection or fear of that information being weaponized against them. I have none of those fears with you. I want to show you all that you are willing or want to see because I want to see as much of you as possible.
My most often thought throughout the day is how much I miss you. That probably doesn’t make any logical sense but it definitely feels like an accurate description of what I’m feeling. My heart is heavy and my arms are empty but I’m still very happy to have you in my life again.
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