What a sigh of relief it is to hear from you. Multiple channels alleviated a lot of my concern. I’m afraid in my haste I wasn’t clear in choosing my words. You have never broken my heart. But you could and that is a decision I made. I know, always analytical, but in my head that is a choice. I choose to open myself up to potential pain. I believe in balance. The opposite of love isn’t always hate, sometimes its pain. So how hard I love is directly proportional to that possible pit of pain.
My heart is already in pieces. I broke it myself and let you hold on to a bit of it. So I’ve already done it for you. Its broken. No longer a concern of yours. You have your piece and I don’t want it back. If you want to make me whole the only answer is being as close as possible to me.
I don’t know if I can figure out what was going through your head with that first email. Our last encounter seemed to hinge on a degree of delusion but it so easily slips back to intimate. So the answer is that I’m not sure. Poking at old embers for some comfortable heat and accidently restarted the fire instead perhaps. I’m very happy you did. It was cold outside.
You have enough going on to worry about comforting me. However, I did learn something from my ex-girlfriend. Despite how it ended, the ex-girlfriend was helpful in pointing out things I miss. One thing she told me was that I am so self-sufficient that it is almost unfair. She said I don’t give people the opportunity to treat me the way I treat them. That goodbye with you felt real emotionally, even though logically I knew we would figure out a way to communicate and probably soon. I feel like you would tell me to get out of my head and back into my body. My body was freaking the fuck out while my head was saying everything is fine. That led to a slow descent into panic. Unlike someone else, I have pretty good control of my face so none of that usually shows and it was processing after the call so there was nothing you missed. Also, you have other things to worry about.
In other news, my workouts stalled. I started to feel pretty shitty like my condition was close to flaring up. I decided to wait until after my trip to do my last workout of the program for the month since it will be a tough one. I also realized in dealing with family and the ex that I missed an appointment for one of my infusions. I think it was supposed to happen last week so that could also explain why I started to feel like crap. I already made the appointment.
Loading comments...