Three kids and a puppy in 2023

Quick-is update.

Bought a new car a few weeks ago, I went with the Mazda CX-9. Won a bunch of safety awards, it’s a little bigger than my old car. I’m happy with it.

Hershey trip was fun. Probably should’ve allocated more than a day and a half for the parks but it was okay. The kids weren’t into the rides, all they wanted was chocolate and junk food. Shocker.

Beau got neutered yesterday. He was good and drugged up for awhile, nice and calm. Now he’s back on his bullshit.

Which brings me to our first issue. Last week, our dog trainer told us that she felt Beau was being more aggressive (towards me, specifically) and that he wasn’t getting any less aggressive with the kids. She recommended rehoming him. Which was all Craig needed to hear. He’s been chomping at the bit for months for someone to tell him to get rid of the dog.

Long story short, we decided to carry on with the neutering as scheduled and wait a few weeks to see if he gets any less whacko. I don’t think he’s going to calm down much. We’re also going to get a second opinion from another trainer. Our first trainer was recommended by my mom (first red flag). She’s lovely but she wasn’t really helping with our problems. She focused on how the dog walks on a leash, how long he can stay in the “stay” position. And while that all IS important, the biting and nipping needs to stop NOW. Especially with the kids. We have to keep the kids and the dog in separate rooms all day. It sucks.

So we have a meeting with another trainer on Saturday. I don’t think we’ll actually give up the dog. It would break my heart. I started crying the other day, thinking how we threw everything and the kitchen sink at Archie and lost him. Now we’re spending $80 on prong collars and all sorts of training and shit and we could lose Beau. It seems unfair.

Conversely, I was at the end of my rope a few weeks ago. I was so close to calling Craig at work and telling him to get rid of the fucking dog. He’s too much sometimes. Yes, he’s just a puppy. But it’s NOT okay that Ryan will just be laying quietly in bed with me and Beau will walk up to him and try to bite his arm/leg/face. We’re always on alert. The dog is no fun.

Now…

Earlier this month, Craig tapered himself off of Paxil (with his therapist and my blessings). His circumstances today are much different than 9 years ago when he started Paxil. We all felt it was a reasonable move.

No. Wrong.

He turned into a nasty son of a bitch. Yelling constantly. Blind rage over nothing. Ended up hurting Alex and not thinking it was a problem. Like fucked up shit. I couldn’t take it, I told him to get back on the meds or else there’d be consequences. So he’s back on it now but neither of us are happy.

Between the dog being a third full time job and Craig’s erratic moods, this house is hell. Our marriage is suffering. I don’t feel connected to Craig at all. I don’t feel like we’re on the same page. His parenting techniques are horrid, even after we’ve talked about them and looked at ways to correct them. He’s constantly talking down to the kids. Alex has started gaslighting me, I shit you not. I will not tolerate that from a 7 year old.

I’m not sure why Craig is so miserable. But it feels like I’m parenting him, too. I’m utterly exhausted. Work has been emotionally draining, then I come home to madness and chaos (which is what a house with kids should be lol), but then I’m literally walking on eggshells around Craig. I have to be so careful in how I choose my words with him otherwise he turns it into a confrontation. Let’s be honest, he does that no matter how carefully I choose my words.

I wanted to talk to him about his attitude/behavior today but honestly I’m so tired of trying to find the words and then talk him off the confrontation ledge that it’s not even worth it. Everything is an accusation, everything turns into “Craig’s a piece of shit, Craig is useless” and I never ever say that, that’s just how he twists words to fit his narrative. I should compliment him more, we’ve talked about that and I have not done a good job following through. I just feel like he always says he’s gonna do better, try harder, and he doesn’t. It’s like he regresses and I’m stuck in the same place and now I’m parenting him too and I do not have the time or energy or willpower or desire to parent a 42 year old man. It’s fucking ridiculous.

Some days (like today), I feel like our marriage is on the rocks and I wouldn’t be surprised if he wanted to get separated. Could I handle being a single mom? I doubt it. I’d be shitty at it. My mental health is already not good and that would probably break me in some way. I don’t want to be a single parent. I don’t want the kids to go through all that craziness. But are they really benefitting from having a dad who flies off the handle and blames everyone but himself? Who never apologizes for his wrongdoings? Who never encourages the kids to just be kids? Like this is not a good relationship right now. I don’t want this for my kids. I don’t want this for me. I don’t know what the next step is.