...and knowing it doesn't make it a whole lot easier. ...well maybe a little bit.
Things are actually going pretty darn well! And I am keeping that in mind. But I am feeling blue this evening because I miss singing so much, I feel like songs are clawing around inside of me, fighting to find some way to get out. I've never really felt like that before. But I know it has a lot to do with how I spent my last year, singing once or twice a week with live bands, wonderful friends, and a tight community where I always felt at home.
There's also this other thing that's been keeping me on the edge of tears the past few days, which is my parents. It's nothing new, really, the same old shit. My mom and her constant challenges due to her mental and emotional instability, and my dad's struggle to survive while living with it. I guess the difference is that he is losing it more than I think I really have ever seen. He has told me as much. I'm just worried about him a lot, and also feeling a lot of resentment and impatience for my mom, which is totally unfair. She is not well. She is doing the best she can. It's just so hard that she has no concept of what she puts my dad through, and that to her, everything is his fault.
Sort of on the plus side, my dad and sister and I are talking about an intervention with my mom, sometime in the near future. And I think it's actually a real possibility, that we may all sit her down and be real with her about what we think is going on--that she has a severe problem that probably has a name and a diagnosis, and there may be ways to help beyond talking about it. Medication, intensive therapy, and so on. But it's not happening tomorrow, it's just on the table. And in the mean time, my dad is at his wit's end. I wish I could be there for him more.
I had plans to go to karaoke tonight with some newish friends, and was feeling delighted to be able to let some of all of this out, but every person, one by one, had to cancel for different reasons. It's alright, I know it's just the way it goes sometimes, and I know it's not personal. But I'm so defeated about it, much more than is reasonable, and I know what I mentioned in the previous two paragraphs has a lot to do with it.
I also don't have a guitar here, so I can't just let off some of this pent up energy at home. Singing along with my itunes just doesn't do it for me. I was originally planning to hold off on finding a guitar so that I would focus on my studies, but I think I might start looking into it. Music is such important medicine. So while I have to wait on my dose of that, writing is a good backup.
On a brighter note, I am starting salsa dancing lessons on Tuesday, so I think that will help a great deal. With my need for music, and for community, and just for letting off some energy. Tai and I also have a skype date tonight, and talking with a good friend is always helpful.
Loading comments...