It’s the why
I’ll never know why
Sure, I know why you’d want that
Companionship
I’ve even wanted it for you.
It’s why this way
Why hide it
Why blindside me
Why pretend it wasn’t a big deal
Why think I’d just be okay after realizing the lies and the betrayal?
Will it even be -that- companionship, though
You’ve started it off with lies she’ll likely never know
Did you start us off with lies
You hid me from her by telling her we used to be together but that we were friends
You hid her from me by telling me nothing
We weren’t friends
I’m not sure we ever were
There was a time when I thought we had a piece of that friendship in the relationship
Then I realized we had what you wanted from a “friend”
Someone who agrees with you and always says exactly what you want
You want a convincing liar that somehow kisses your ass without it feeling like a show
I resent that you ruined that so far back ago
But somehow you thought we were best friends now
I don’t sleep with my friends
I don’t confess things in sweat to my friends
I don’t bare parts of myself that are only reserved for those truly special and apart - to just my friend
Not even to a best friend
The kinds of feelings and thoughts that are only explored with someone you connect with across lifetimes
But you threw it away
You didn’t think
You didn’t consider me
Me, thinking we had the kind of love that would always connect us no matter what form it took
Me, realizing that person never existed
My love is wasted
I have an emptiness I will never fill
Just a space held
A “you” space
There is other love, and there might be more love
But not in that space
It will always remain
Haunting and absorbing parts of what might drift too close
An absence absorbing itself
Absent
You are now absent from the rest of my life
I’m probably better off without you
But I would have been better off never knowing you
You were better knowing me
Everyone saw it
But I couldn’t sustain it
I started going down
I was headed up and thought you were another part of it
That trajectory I was on
I had momentum
I’ll have it again now without the weight
You were my anchor, but not the good kind
The kind that sometimes weighed me down
Sometimes, it was too far down
Sometimes, I was adrift
My anchor - suddenly a wisp of smoke
Clinging desperately at the trails of it and hoping to be weighed down again
Drowning preferable to being tossed along the waves
That I should trust in you for my care was foolish
And I am ever the fool
Even up into that conversation
The words being repeated to me
I could not connect those words to the person in charge of my care
Only to someone who never cared
I am still a fool loving the man that I thought would always protect me
But there was so much you didn’t protect me from
Most of all, you
Even now, I want your comfort
I crave it
Something I haven’t truly seen in years but have stolen lies of in brief snippets
Those were my lies
I lied that you were still that man to protect me in those moments
But I haven’t actually seen that man in so long
Did I ever see him?
Or was that man another lie
The lie I loved
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