TLDR in Just in Case

I’ve missed this place, and y’all. I know, most of you I see snippets of your life on Facebook, but here I met your families, I heard your stories. I’ve really missed that. It’s my fault. This life that I’m living right now makes it so easy to slide into isolation.
During the school year, I leave at 5:40 to go to school, and get back around 5:30. Other than grocery shopping, I just come straight home. i never know what will be needed of me here. I never feel that it’s ok for me to not be here. This summer, I have to go to school to work on technology, I’m being paid to do that. I also have to do my things to get my room ready. Due to the horrible cell phone coverage and almost complete lack of internet, I’m limited to what I can do here (and how often I can get on here.)
I don’t want this diary to become a litany of whining or complaints, but I know I need to get some of this of my chest.
Mama fell again tonight. We had gotten her into bed, but I heard her fall. I walked in to Daddy standing there, not knowing what to do, and Mama curled in a fetal position on the floor. Most of her falls have been sliding down, because her legs have given out. This was a real fall.
Back story - this house is small. I can walk from the front door to the farthest point (the bathroom) in about 16 steps. So their room is tight. They still have the giant, 70s bedroom set that they’ve always had. The bed is high, so we have a step stool with a handle for Mama. She was curled around it, in the tiny space between the bed and her chest of drawers. She had her toenail removed Thursday. So, I’ve put a large gauze pad over her toe (and the top of her foot) to protect her toe from the weight of the sheet and quilt. i’m glad I did, because otherwise, she would have really hurt it on the floor. I got Daddy out of the small space, then got her to let go of the step stool, got it out of the way and then basically deadlifted her. (Tonight was the 2nd night of her taking a medicine that’s supposed to stimulate her appetite. It’s actually an anti-depressant that makes her fall into a DEEP sleep. Which wouldn’t be bad, unless, like tonight, she wakes up needing to go to the bathroom. It knocks her out to the point of her falling asleep while we walked.) Because of the medicine, she couldn’t really help get herself up. So, I bend in, bear hug her, and pick her up. My back and bad shoulder have things to say about that, but the only other option is to let her lay there and wait for an ambulance crew, or deputy to come help. Daddy can’t get down there. She had used the bathroom on herself and floor while she was down there. And she hit her head on the nightstand. She’s got a cut and bruise already. I’m sure tomorrow it will look worse. We may end up bringing her in for xrays.

Around 3 years ago, Mama began to talk me about dementia, and her fear that she had it. It had already been in my thoughts as well, due to some personality issues that were very similar to Gram and my aunt. She sat me down and made me promise that if she had it, I would tell Daddy to put her in a nursing home and live my life. She talked about not wanting to live like she saw so many doing when she worked at the nursing home. Bedridden, vegetative state, no memories, no life, no joy....just existing. She didn’t want that. She made me swear that I would never agree to a feeding tube. She said she had to do those things for Gram, without her siblings support. She knew what she was asking, and how hard it would be. Seeing her tonight, laying on the floor in a dirty tshirt and adult diaper, in her own urine, with a cut and bruise from yet another fall - it gutted me. I know she would hate living like this. I also know it’s going to get worse. If her body doesn’t fail her, her brain will. I don’t know how much longer we will be able to keep her here. I also don’t know what will happen to Daddy if and when something happens to Mama.
In the meantime, my life is just…on hold. I can’t afford to retire, I’ve got too many years in to walk away, and not enough to retire. So I will keep teaching. Everything I own is either stuck in with all of the things Mama had in this room, or in a rented storage room. No home of my own. I’m just in some sort of gray limbo. I’m so grateful to be able to be here to help them. I will never regret that. But I’m tired and I’m scared. I usually end up out in the sunroom with Stella. She has the run of the house during the day, but sleeps out there at night. I sit with her and cry, because technically, it’s the old deck, that we closed in. So they can’t hear me cry. or I sit on a stool in my closet and cry, because I don’t want them to hear me. I haven’t told anyone that. I just don’t feel strong enough sometimes, for it all. Because Daddy defers to me on everything. Mama was the one who made all the decisions in their marriage. He doesn’t know what to do. I’m really tired of making decisions.

Gosh, this has become what I didn’t want it to be, and I may end up deleting or making it private, but I just needed to get this out.