I am IN IT. And by that, I mean doing what I said I always would, on repeat in my brain, for the last ten years. Has it really been that long? So now that I'm here and doing this, I want to work out some other kinks in myself, and I know that a good way to start is by putting my thoughts down.
Journaling has ALWAYS been helpful to me, and countless others, but the trick is sitting down to do it. Since I got here, I have gotten out my good old fashioned pen and paper journal and penned a few entries for the first time in months, and it feels good. I wrote occasionally in Japan in the same diary, but I haven't been consistent for years.
Self reflection needs to be an active task, not just a passive daydream like a fluffy patch of clouds floating through my consciousness. If I don't self reflect, self assess, and really deeply check in, how do I know if I'm making progress? Or actually, more importantly, how do I make sure that I am pushing myself towards progress? The truth is, I don't.
So let's self reflect. As weird as it seems, I need a list for this.
How am I feeling?
- I'm really proud of myself for finally getting here. I'm doing it. I'm following through. And so much about this place, and this program, is beyond my expectations in the best ways. That feels awesome. And like I'm making a great investment in myself and my future.
- I'm feeling a little weird at times with being a host daughter. It has absolutely nothing to do with my family, they are wonderful and they have hosted lots of volunteers. But just think about it a minute. I've stepped into the FAMILY of people I have never met before, depend on them for all of my basic needs, and can barely understand what they're talking about whenever we're together. It's this weird third wheel feeling that I think is probably all in my head. I want to be a part of them, I want to get to know them, and I really want them to get to know me. But there's so much standing between us and I don't think there's much to really do about it but try to chat when I can and just accept that it's a part of the whole deal. It was different in other communities I've been in with language barriers, because those friendships formed naturally and gradually and we had the common language of music to push past the language barrier. It's just different, not at all all bad, but sometimes weird and a little uncomfortable. Mostly I think, just for me though.
- I'm missing Japan a whole heck of a lot. But I think what I'm missing most is the community and the music. Things I know are really super important for me to have in my life. I can work on this one. It takes time. I know this, and it will be ok. I'm just craving the social life like hell right now, and some days it gets to me more than others. It's a hard change to now be living in a country that isn't safe for me to just go out, by myself, whenever I feel lonely, to a bar or a karaoke joint or a salsa dance hall. I really can't do those things until I have some people. That's coming, and I think I even get to go to karaoke on Saturday! Yay! But it's not as within my control as it has been in the past, and that is a hard adjustment. I predicted this, but it doesn't make it any easier.
- I'm feeling mixed about my Spanish. I'm delighted with how much I already know, and how much I'm learning. I'm realistic about how difficult it will be to really become proficient and cross the line beyond conversational to semi-fluent. The mixed-ness comes from some self doubt. My biggest concerns are:
1. I am and always have been a procrastinator. You can not function this way when learning a language. There is NO leaving it to the last minute, because it is a little by little, everyday hard-work task. This, I think, is a big part of why I have never had huge success in learning a language. I am studying every day right now, but not in as productive and efficient a way as I'd like. And some of that is this procrastination and some of it is number 2:
2. I am SO easily distracted, and frankly, just don't like to study. It's just the truth. Going against life-long habits is the biggest challenge of what I'm taking on here, in terms of language. Distractions come in all forms, and I certainly know how to find them. The internet, TV, even sleeping. I'm working on adjusting my mind set, and incorporating study styles that match my short attention span. The internet is a blessing and a curse, for though it's distracting, it also provides all kinds of awesome language learning tools and games that fit my learning style well, and did not exist when I was in college.
3. This isn't a problem yet, but I can see how a social life, especially with other English-speaking volunteers, is something that I really do need, but will hinder my progress in Spanish in a big way. I'm going to try and offset this by doing other social things in the Spanish speaking community. (I'm going to start taking salsa dancing lessons next week!) I also think I need to remind myself of how my awesome community in Japan really did not have a lot of English speakers in it. I don't need to talk for hours on end every day in English to feel at home and to feel community. I must try hard to keep a good balance, and not fall too deeply into the most comfortable places, because I must remember one of my biggest goals this year is the language.
Ok. I feel good about this. These are things I need to keep in mind and keep checking in with myself about. I'm going to try to write here more often and in my paper diary. I think I need breaks in my study time to be most efficient, and if I fill those breaks with things like writing, meditating, stretching, occasional catching up with friends and family, and not just watching TV, I think I will feel better and be more successful in maintaining my focus.
Just keep swimming!
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