Why on earth would you think that I won't be ok with you after you come back from this assignment? Why do you keep pushing me away? Every excuse you get you are using it. It's killing me!
So, you win. I give up. I'm not going to try to be with you. I can't play these games. I am too old. I don't want to have to fight you tooth and nail for every little second of affection and attention. If you really want to be with me you know how to find me.
I don't think you will be back though. I don't expect to hear from you again. Your words hurt me. I was exasperated. I was tired of trying. When I am hurt and tired, I lash back. And I am not nice about it. I wasn't nice at all. So, I would be completely understanding if you just disappeared. I wouldn't blame you. But you also need to understand that I am not putting forth any further effort now am I investing any more emotion or attachment into this relationship. We are now at the point that you will have to put it far more effort than it would have ever required to gain my trust and affections. You can't just have it. You have to earn it.
And right now I am ok with just being invisible and in my corner far away from letting anyone in. Bc I feel like I at least tried with you and it just wounded me again. All of it just came flying back up my throat like bile. I let you near me and every opportunity you had you either pushed me away or lashed out at me. I can't do it anymore. I dont want to.
I could have loved you so easily. I miss my best friend.
~j
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