I was blind to the deep-end until that piece of us went and died that weekend in A new beginnging.

Getting out of relationships suck for many reasons. I, myself, think that the reason I stayed with Josh for so long was because I didn't want to lose the comfort. The feeling of losing someone who knows you. The routine.

That was an anxiety related issue when I started dating. However, it is one that has not really gone away.

As you may recall, I was pretty excited about how things were developing with Kevin. My brother left for Chicago on Friday, so I had an opportunity. All day at work on Friday I was thinking about it, what my move was and if it was a good idea. I called Kevin when I got home and we talked for another good hour. "When do I get to see you again?" he asked. Funny you should ask...

We decided that he would come over Saturday. So Friday I went shopping with my mom and she bought me some clothes, stuff that helped me look like a lady :). Stuff other than Doomtree shirts and running shorts. I also got two new bras that AREN'T sports bras. So, I was feeling pretty good. On a side note, it was incredibly sweet of my mom and I felt like more of an adult haha

So Saturday I leave work, get home and try and take a quick nap. After, I did the whole 'take a look at this FB' thing. Just a lot of car stuff.

Then this weird feeling came over me. It was like I was nervous, but not for the reasons I thought. I couldn't put my finger on it. I went and laid around my room listening to 'Everlong' on repeat. I got a text (really?) saying he was at my door. I mean, it was fine.

How the night went.. we made out, a lot. on my couch, which is so not comfortable, sitting at my dining room table, and random times when he just sorta grabbed me. Throughout all of this, there was not one moment where I was thinking, "I want this to go further." I felt 'meh'

We drove to the stone arch bridge and walked around, I got to ride in his corvette, which I could give 2 shits about. He also was doing about 50 in a 30 and I am sure it was supposed to excite me, but all it did was make me feel like a douche for being in the car. That stuff does not do it for me. At. all.

We went back to my house, made some pizza, I laid on him while we watched tv, then he left at like 8 so I could go to bed. Again. 'Meh'

So clearly I am just not feeling it. I wish I could put my finger on it and say, "this is why" but I can't. I guess it just took date #3 for me to realize this.

he texted me at 6am on Sunday while I was at work, he hadn't been to sleep yet. "How was your night after you left my house?" "Good I did some street racing and then went to a house party"

Just not me.

Back to the wall/ bat to the ball/ back to the drawing board

again

It's ok. I could force myself to feel it. I could just make myself be into this and keep at it, but I am not that desperate. I know that each time something doesn't work, I am learning about things that I want.