I don’t like to think that I cause tension. I try my best in every situation to be positive and supportive. Because that’s all I want and I can never get the Golden Rule out of my head. So when I see my favorite Tarot reader go live in TikTok, of course I’m going to go on and show him some support. Today, however, I’m the first one on. I say hello and he immediately shuts it off. I could excuse this as tension that has nothing to do with me, usually, if it weren’t for the other things.
I comment on his videos, telling him that he looks good when he actually dresses like he cares and combs his hair. It’s honesty. If you’re looking to make a platform on social media, you need to look good. I also tell him that his background decor looks good. I’m just being honest and supportive.
Yet, he goes out of his way to add things to his IG feeds. Like showcasing his plants, the haul he suddenly has and a green vinyl called Plantasia. He goes outside, he tries with his clothing more than before. Am I that impactful? Is it a coincidence? Is this his way of flirting?
I admit he’s cute. He’s not 100% my type but I guess I’m one of those people that shows a little too much of my adoration. I just believe that everyone needs a cheering section.
The thing is this sort of thing happens everywhere, with everyone. I meet people who see me, take everything I have to say as if it were the word of a long awaited prophet, and they just fuck off. Vanish from my life and I just see them on the edges like on Facebook or wherever else. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great knowing that I have an impact on people, especially a positive impact. I just don’t know what I’m doing and I hate that no one can return the favor.
I’ve been told my choices have caused disruption in my ancestral spirit path. Where I walk is new ground and my healing is their healing. Our healing. So me having to do it all on my own does do the greater good, I just wish that I wouldn’t have to work so hard for myself and others. That’s all I’ve ever done is dig myself out, alone.
I have to admit that it’s fun to think that someone has a crush on me. Especially since all I did was type and hang around saying nice things.
I just had a weird thought. He talks a lot about manifestation. When I logged in, he looked pissed but his eyes said please. He had his hands in almost like a prayer pose as he stared at the screen. As soon as I came on, he sighed, picked up his phone and turned his stream off. Was he trying to manifest me? Get me to get on and then when he saw it worked, did he spook himself? He talked a lot about investigation. Angry investigation. On the outside of my life but he did it in this way with this smirk like he knew something, or was trying to tell a secret in some very, very sly way.
I’ve seen this shit before. Never being direct. Usually it’s due to fear. I get the fear of rejection and the unknown. I’m not going to run away with him. I have my own life, so of course I have to reject him. I just wish people would just say how they feel so that I can show them it’s not all thorns with me. I don’t react as explosively as people expect I will. I can tolerate what could be considered an extreme amount of pain. Physical and mental. I was tortured for 19 straight years by my own family. Not much gets under my skin, certainly not the gentle thoughts of someone who just wants to say something sweet. I’m sorry I can’t reciprocate the feeling, but that doesn’t mean I can’t make them feel better about it. Words are one of the few things I’m good at.
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