Yesterday was a horrifically bad day in terms of my relationship. I didn't feel well, so I came home from school and laid down for a while. Then, I just couldn't lay there anymore so I got up to do some things on the computer. One thing led to another and I was snooping. First off, I know my bf loves me. I know he doesn't cheat, cause he's always either at work or with me. He truly gives me all of his attention. Well, I found a couple of 'guy sites' , ya know where guys go and make themselves appear larger than life. The things I read broke my heart. I guess I deserved it because I shouldn't been there anyways. I know its what he does to blow off steam. Its not like he's talking to other girls...just other guys about girls.
The only thing I want is to get married before I'm forty. I've never had the pleasure of wearing a wedding dress, never said vows...its never been 'my day'. I'm 38. I feel like there's something wrong with me. He says he has a plan and wants it to be a surprise, but I'm very insecure. Will it ever happen for me? And then I go and fucking snoop. Bad call.
How can I be happy in this moment, and this moment only? I try. But, I also don't want my heart broke. So, in trying to prevent me from getting a broken heart. I just do idiotic things and I know its pushing him away. Enough about this.
I have my 3rd job interview today with the hospital. God, I wish the process was quicker, I need a fucking paycheck like yesterday! I think that would help make me feel more secure. Anyways, I hope you people have s wonderful day. I'm going to do my best!
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