Looking back I try to piece together how it came to be.
They say trauma big and and small can play on genetic vulnerabilities to express spectrum personality, psychotic, and affective disorders
My mother has been what I term as a vegetable for at least a decade, although more severe on the vegetable spectrum now compared to several years ago. Likely due to the repeated seizures frying her brain synapses
When I was very young the doctors gave a diagnosis of multiple sclerosis (MS) although there are no MRIs or clear records to back up that today. More current MRIs suggest no evidence of MS.
Goes to show the sheer lack of diagnostic accuracy and precision back into be early 90s for a still not well understood disease.
My mom was always odd. During early childhood she had some sort of viral infection that lends itself to meningitis. In those days spinal taps were more common and although she recovered it was unclear the lasting impact.
She was extremely smart but odd. The kind of kid that is eccentric and see the world a little bit differently.
Her mother (my grandmother) would be divorced with 6 children during a time when divorce was frowned upon and stay-at-home moms were the norm.
Soon thereafter she would have a religious experience, find Jesus and then teach her children the way of Christianity.
Now my grandmother’s beliefs are old school, Old Testament Bible. Demons are real, the devil is among us, bring out the snakes, speak in tongues. Abortions are malicious baby murdering offerings to Lucifer. You get picture.
Combine that with my mother’s already odd type thinking and now her personality reflects rigid and traditional beliefs where there is reason to be suspicious of anyone who does not strictly follow the Bible.
Openness to other views and values are non existent and accommodating to or doing something she does not agree with is a non negotiable. If things are too overwhelming the solution is give up; the anxiety and rumination of the imperfect result if she were to try leads to complete avoidance.
I don’t fully understand the circumstances of how she came to immigrate to another country with my father but I imagine it’a connected to the marital values of loyalty and supporting your husband no matter where it takes you.
Although happy this choice was made because I am grateful to live in 1st country with opportunity and certain forms of freedom.
For my mother however things gradually worsened after I was born. Her overprotective nature and fear that most people are “bad” and couldn’t be trusted led me to be limited in my social circle (none) except for true interactions I had at church.
Even for the one or two friend I can remember fighting tooth and nail to make, and the overall kindness and tolerance of my friends’ mothers; I know my mother’s interpersonal interactions were strange and likely at times stressful (on both sides)
We moved again. To another country, for a few months. The stress of caring for an under 10 child and adjusting to new a country, culture and place was tough. Not a single mom but essentially left alone during the day combined with having to find the staples to support daily living resulted in gradual avoidance. My mother always struggled with comprehending what I categorize as common sense things. Anything involving directions were interpreted incorrectly. Need to drive to the store; get lost and drive turns into 2 hours even with multiple attempts to ask for additional directions.
Needless to say it was hard to participate in any activities.
Add this to a crumbling marriage, rife with infidelity and lies; another little T trauma and life stressor.
Eventually my mother starts to voice worry and fear about neighbors and strangers alike watching us. This after a next door neighbor’s home was “broken into”
But turns out it was their own grown children that had gotten in debt from something drug related.
Her anxiety grows and her avoidance of interactions with others and doing regular activities both in and outside of the home disintegrate. Her conversations and thought processes sound much more “out there” particularly whenever I voice my desire to participate in an activity or visit a friends home. I won’t deny I did of course stay out later than I was supposed to or visited someone else’s house down the street when I was only supposed to see the other but nothing that was completely outside the realm and typical pre and early adolescent behavior. Also add into the mix where I was growing up and the complete lack of morals values and quality people and education systems. Florida is lawless.
And it multiplies and slowly augments my mother descent into what I refer to as madness.
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