Tough days....and a little 'lot' drunkish in QUOTIDIEN

I'm just over the line of tipsy - so this may ramble, some. Pardonnez-moi, s'il vous plait!

The past several days have sucked donkey hooves. I could blame Mr. B for part of this, but the truth is, I let myself believe what he was laying down! Desperation for a true friend with skin on - for a shoulder - for promised comfort. I reveled in the thought of it. I should have known better - and I do, now.

I am, apparently, not reserved enough. At least, that's what I believe he meant when he said he thought I was 'more conservative'. But to the very end, there was promise of contact. As I got in my car, he shouts (across the parking lot), 'can you receive texts at your number?' Unfortunately for him, the silence has given me pause to reflect on exactly what it is that I'm about.

Yes, as he has stated, I am professional, strong, balanced, poised, intelligent, and a problem solver. These are the qualities that are evident at work. I am proud of these things. No matter what I choose to do, I do my very best, and it is nice as hell to hear someone notice and comment on them. He swayed me.

Unfortunately for Mr. B., I am also fun-loving, delighted by life and nature, and an excellent and dedicated friend. He'll never know - because he has pronounced his judgment. 'Not conservative like I thought'. Yes, Mr. B - I love sexy shoes - and I know how to use them. I love short, sexy hair -- and natural make-up. I love museums and fine dining - but am just as happy to rock out at a concert - on a blanket, in the never-never land section. Know what else? I am a fecking dynamo in bed. He claimed to want to be a friend. What kind of friend (or friend wanna-be) judges the worthiness of a friend based on how on how he/she is at work?!

I have tattoos, love spicy food, spicy men - and though I go to church and work for an evangelist - politically/socially speaking, I am vehemently liberal.

I have loved one man for more than three decades, and yet - when he died, I didn't lay down beside him and do the same. Mr. B has taught me, despite his embarrassing ineptness, that I am alive and well, no thanks to that inglorious son-of-a-bitch, and discovering myself. And so far, I am fierce!

As with anyone else, my future is shrouded in mystery, but I know that behind the curtain of the unknown, there is happiness - and love - and joy - and freedom. There is the me I am to become...with or without his friendship.

Anne-Marie is gone for about 10 days - on a trip to the Branson, MO, with her best friend and family. I'm happy for her - but seriously had no idea how it would affect me.

I find that I am avoiding home. Yes - I hate my house...but I'm not avoiding it because of that, I don't think. I think it has something to do with being here...alone. I pull into my driveway, now - and my gut cringes. I suck in a deep breath before getting out of my car. I feel like I'm walking to my doom. I open the door, turn on the light - and I feel despair.

Please - no sympathy. These are the blatherings of a drunk widow feeling sorry for herself.

Yesterday, I dropped the price of this house by $20K. I would get me enough to pay off what I owe, rent a dumpster, empty the garage of stuff that only held value to my husband - and get out of dodge.

I still intend to stay in the area, as tempting as Springfield seems - as my entire support system is here. Besides - what IF I decided to start seeing someone? I have no intention of putting myself in a position where my only support system is family (no matter how much they love me) who are related to my husband.