And the wheel continues to turn as I come closer and closer to becoming a divorcee.. Can someone please tell me how you even spell that? I need that little accent sign over one of those e's because I'm fairly certain it's french! Like fiance except .. the exact opposite in definition actually...
My emotions have been nothing but a constant rolling of peaks and valleys. Some days I'm happy and on top of the world- the world is my oyster and all those terrible cliche's about re-finding yourself, having confidence, and just that zeal for life that comes with a new found freedom. Other days I just want to lay in fetal position and do the ugly cry that EVERY WOMAN DOES. That chest heaving, gasping, snotty terribleness that we hopefully save for when we're alone or perhaps a few carefully selected people in your life that you know will not judge you for morphing into this pathetic slobbering mess.
I can't help it, it's the saddest, most liberating thing that I've ever experienced. I'm reclaiming my independence and am learning to stand on my own two feet. I'm also leaving my home.... My solace. The place where I have all of my objects of comfort, the place where Razor greets me happily at the door. Where I take my shoes off, change into comfortable clothes and recline lazily on my leather couch while I watch Veronica Mars. It's my sunny kitchen with cupboards upon cupboards, every cooking accessory known to man, my Ina Garten cookbooks lovingly lining the walls. It's where I gratefully sink into the soft support of my mattress in the softest fleece blanket known to man, my fans oscillating happily to lull me into the best sleep you'll ever have. It's my quiet back yard with a patio perfect for grilling and entertaining, flowers tastefully tucked into fresh mulch along the edges of the stones. It's the shelves and walls I carefully decorated for Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, the warm glow of candles and Christmas lights chasing away the darkness and reminding me of the importance of these holidays: family - you are not alone.
But all of that is changing, items will be negotiated over and split, cherished belongings left behind for lack of space. Razor will no longer be there to greet me home from work with his tail wagging so fast it's a gigantic blur behind him. I'm leaving the house that I turned into a home, and trading it for a one bedroom apartment. Will I be as comfortable there? Or will I ache for the refuge I labored in love over for years? Will I bother to decorate on the holidays or will it fall by the wayside because no one will see it? Will the silence be stifling or will it be peaceful?
And then I'm forced to think of those I'm leaving behind and I'm consumed with this awful guilt. Will my presence be missed? Will I leave behind a noticeable silence? Will I have caused a rift in the sanctuary for him and poor Razor? Oh, poor Razor. He won't understand at all and has no idea what's about to come. It makes me want to puke thinking about how sad and confused he's going to be, or how I won't be there to snuggle with him when it's storming. I wish he understood me, I'd tell him I'm so sorry and that I'm not abandoning him, I'm not leaving him and that I'll be right here and will see him again soon. I'd tell him I love him and will miss him every day.
I know that someday I'll be able to look back on this and smile, and be proud of how strong I stayed during all of this- but right now in the moment I don't feel strong at all.
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