Change the Belief, and the Symptoms Change. Destroy the Belief, and the Symptoms Disappear. in The Story

I started this whole Prosebox thing mostly in order to organize my thoughts about graduate school and my future. NEEDLESS TO SAY there has been very little talk of that lately. In fact, not since my first entry.

I just don't know. Thinking about it gives me more anxiety than anything. When I came here from New York 30 days ago, I had four big anxiety triggers, and they were also priorities that went in this order:

• KLEP exam (what I needed to get my BA)

• Applying for a job/finding a source of income

• GRE Study

• Finding a grad school (if I even want to go)

The first two on the list made sense. Take that stupid exam to finally get my god damn bachelors I've been working on for five years. Then find a job so I can, like, you know, have money.

But my last two priorities are out of order. I have been paying attention to the GRE and studying (a little bit) since I got home, while giving minor thought to WHERE I actually wanted to go with my LIFE. This is the problem. I really have no idea and no plan really makes sense to me. Here is one possibility...

• Apply for 2 PhD programs in Social Psych on the off chance I'll actually get in. Then apply for a couple Archiving programs and most likely do that.

The problems with this are why waste the application fees on PhD if I'm so certain I wont be accepted? Then just go into a completely different field? Something about that just doesn't make any sense to me.

Another thing is that PhD is six years. I am pretty sure I don't want to go to the U of MN even though their program is spectacular (I probably wont get in anyway). Then again, I can't really think of a place I would want to be in for six consecutive years. I am a fucking nomad. I wish I wasn't, honestly, I kind of feel like there is something wrong with me but I have a fear of long commitments that keep me from MOVING.

But then I think of the MA programs and my automatic thought is "Can't afford it anyway. No more loans for me".

So shit, should I even go at all? Probably not, at least not right now...but then...I'd have to find a more stable job...and that freaks me out because applying for jobs is an anxiety attack waiting to happen. Also, I have so many people putting their faith in my getting a graduate degree ASAP. My poor mother is so proud of my aspirations to be a "Dr." that she's telling everyone and I'm just like...uhhh...Plus my professor who is helping me every step of the way...

One of my top choice archiving schools is in LA. This just appeals so much to my impulsive, adventure-seeking nature. Moving to ANOTHER NEW PLACE!! I'VE NEVER LIVED ON THE WEST COAST BEFORE. I think I need to grow up. Hmm, how does one do that?

I will probably end up just not going in Fall of '14. That's entirely ok. But just in case, I'll keep studying and maybe even still take the GRE next month. Scores are good for five years. I still don't know. I hope I think of something soon.

One of my other Psychology school choices is a Buddhist school in Colorado. Haha...I want to do anything unique. I feel like sometimes I choose novelty and excitement more than what I really need.

<3

LB