somehow poking through real estate listings online resulted in my having a meltdown of semi-epic proportions. 10 years ago i used to hang out kinda hap hazardously with the "scene kids"; the ones with the gauged ears and who spent a good chunk of their time at local shows in shitty venues. the kind of venues where the parking lot was bigger than the actual building. these people were the face of teenage irresponsibility but were never reckless. curfews were broken and parents' cars were borrowed but there was no drinking, no drug use... just loud music with incoherent screaming lyrics that somehow made your bob your head along. i remember spending time with these people and feeling like yes, this is how i want to remember being 18.
now at 29 years old i see these same people, the ones who would crowd denny's on a thursday night and be loud til 4am, the ones who should've owned stock in hot topic but weren't what you called a "poser" per se, having kids and buying homes. they've made long-term commitments in the forms of mortgages and getting pregnant with actual effort instead of just the unplanned pregnancy. every single one of them is married now, they all have children and own their own homes. i know these things come with stresses and struggles i know nothing about... but that doesn't mean i want them any less. having kids confuses me; being able to afford my own home scares the daylights out of me. i'll be the first to admit i get so fucking tired of reading on facebook about another couple having a baby/getting married/buying a house, etc. my 'happy for them' attitude has been greatly diminished and i come off bitter and incredibly unmoved. maybe that's my age or maybe i'm just jealous. i'm jealous, i know that. i'm stuck living in an apartment i only chose because it was cheap; there's nothing charming about this place. i understand noise is a part of apartment living but there's a point when it becomes just downright rude and inconsiderate. i digress.
i'm so terribly unprepared for things. the job i have i like and don't intend to look elsewhere; i'm due a raise in october so at least i know there will be a little more money coming in. it most likely will not change my living situation. my rent is going up at the end of this lease and i'm not interested in paying another dollar for what i'm getting. i don't know why i bothered inquiring about a loan because i already know the answer. i don't have credit because i can't get credit; i can't get credit because i don't have credit. i pay my rent and my bills on time and no one bats an eye... dare i pay late and they run to the credit bureaus. i have a secured card through my bank that i use for gas and small purchases. seems to not be doing anything but yet i still use it.
there are times i wish i could go back to being 18/19 and just relive the freedom. one of my biggest fears is never feeling that way ever again. i have yet to. 10 years later and as i sit here reminiscing about the simpler, more fun times of my life, i recognize that i truly am generally unmoved. i may be 29, i may look around 24 but i feel about 140.
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