Learning Process in QUOTIDIEN

I'm going to start with the progress on my house. Today was another 'crew' day - when people from my church show up and offer their time and energy for 5 hours towards repairing my home and helping make it sellable.

When the 'leader' of the pack arrived (first and early!), he asked me what would make me happy today.

"I would be happy to stand back at the end of the day and see undeniable progress. I'd be glad to see something finished." Up until now, it has all been about taping, painting, second-coating.

And he delivered!!!!!! Doors are up in my kitchen, a broken drawer has been repaired. A hole in the floor under carpet was repaired. The cracked wall above the bathroom door was fixed. But back to the kitchen: A half-wall was removed, and my fridge was moved into the empty spot where the stove used to be - next to the sink counter - where any good fridge should be, imo. Anyhow --

Sometime next week, two women are coming over, armed with their sewing machines - and a bolt of fabric, and will be making a valance for the kitchen window, and curtains to cover the space beneath my new work-station.

I'm not sure if I'm going to like the fabric, but it is on a beige background and has veggies. Appropriate for a kitchen. I was thinking more along the lines of red gingham....so we'll see.

Despite all the positive things going on, something very weird happened on Friday. I was on my way home - music was playing but I wasn't hearing it. I was thinking about Dave - about how I was not meant to be without him - and how much I miss him. And suddenly, it just burst out of me.

I pulled into my driveway at about the same time I pulled myself together. I grabbed my phone to check my emails, and this is the first thing I see when I open the first one:

Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. (Philippians 4:6, NRSV)

I posted it to Face Book then added: The sad is bad.

'Why is the sad bad, MJ?'

'Because it is unpredictable, and sharp, and it steals away my breath. It escapes from me in jagged pieces, rips at my throat, and I find myself gasping through sudden and unexpected tears.'

I'm discovering that grief isn't as linear as I expected it would be. And it doesn't always make sense. It often dodges huge obstacles like, say, Father's Day, and mucks up ho-hum days like a - Friday - pre-weekend day!

When I was little, my mother was working at making her own house a hone, which included staining a solid wood bedroom door. I'm not sure how she did it - but the door fell on her toe. Well, that thing turned purple and black - and with every day, the pain increased. The doctor fixed it by poking a hole in the nail and letting it drain.

The 'sad' drills its necessary hole to allow for proper healing. It forces me to acknowledge my loss. It purges anything that might have festered - and I am learning to be grateful for the sad beyond its initial shock value.