Snow on the beach in 2023

Well. It’s been a week. Or two weeks. However long since last I wrote.

I’m on vacation this week. Stay-cation while Alex is on spring break. Last week at work was… insane. Our medical director came on a visit with me to the drug diverters house. One nurse who has worked in hospice for 25 years said she has NEVER seen the medical director make a house visit. Look at me. Making history.

Long story short, we were 99.9% sure this family was going to revoke. Because we refused to change back the pain meds. Because they put on a show for the medical director. Because the patient really isn’t hospice appropriate. So I get a text on Thursday that they are revoking and it feels like a weight has been lifted. The anxiety was gone. We ordered out that night to celebrate.

Friday, I get an email that they changed their minds and want to stay with hospice. Mother. Fucker. The anxiety was back. The weight on my shoulders was back. The tension came right. back. We ordered out that night because I was depressed.

Why are we entertaining this?! The caveat was that we would most likely discharge the patient from services next time certification came up (so like 4 weeks).

Looooooong story short… they OFFICIALLY revoked yesterday! They’re off my tablet, the revocation form was signed and I saw it with my own eyes so PRAISE THE LORD HALLELUJAH!!!!!

If/when this patient requires hospice again, if they choose our service, I will not be their nurse. Absolutely not. I will not sacrifice my mental health like this again.

So that’s a bonus.

Last night, the boys and I went to my coworker’s house for a little bbq and s’mores making. It was fun. I took a Xanax prior to going bc you know… social anxiety. And then I had a beer. Which I don’t usually do. I don’t drink on xannies. But guess what? I felt great. I felt relaxed and like myself. I was funny, I was social, I was conversant. Then I got home and went to bed and slept until 6. The dog didn’t get up. Ryan didn’t climb into bed with us at the wee hours of the morning. I felt like a brand new woman. Maybe I should drink more. Kidding.

Still thinking about getting a tattoo. It’s gonna happen. I chose a design. Craig’s fine with it so now he’s talking about getting one. I don’t think he’ll do it though.

We haven’t had sex in… hold on let me check.... 6 months. Nothing. Noooothiiiingggg. And today I’m almost feeling up to it. So maybe something will happen there.

I had a dream about my high school ex last night. I miss him. He’s a genuinely good guy. In the dream, we were in some sort of crowd and I saw him, he saw me and smiled. Oh we were on a cruise! That’s right. And we were docking, getting ready to get off. I think he was getting luggage. I was getting a coke from a soda fountain. It was weird lol. Anyway, I remember thinking I was divorced and he and I should get back together. In the dream I thought, “Well I’m not really settling for him. I really do love him.” And I was so genuinely excited to be in a relationship again. It was a nice dream.

Craig and I have not been very....relationship-y. We’re more in a roommate situation currently. To be fair, my mental health (or lack thereof) has put a lot of distance between us. Mostly enforced by me. When I’m overstimulated, I don’t want to be touched, I don’t want to be talked to. I get very short with him when he asks me what I think are stupid questions (ie: “Where’s the dog?” He’s either in the living room with us or in the kitchen because we’ve blocked off the other rooms. Open your eyes and look around. Where do you think he is? Why can’t you just look yourself?)

Plus he was mad at me that I’m “withholding” money from him, which is not true. I am making more money than him, yes. But I am spending said money on Ryan’s school, as I have for two years now. Am I saving money? A little bit. Not hundreds of dollars a month, that’s for sure. Not when I’m racking up $200 worth of grocery bills every week. Money is a big trigger for Craig, and he hates that I don’t really pay attention to it. In fairness, I should. But I don’t. shrug

Hmm. Okay well I thought I had more to write but it’s bath time for the kids and then figuring out dinner yet again.