Now, there are coincidences and happen-chance where a skull or a song is ironically there ... hard to explain those times. But you know those times. You're taken unawares by the irony of a song or someone speaks and says the sentence you heard come from his mouth not so long ago.
The fact is, I feel like two people myself. This person writing this is one of the people and she's dumb-struck about the other her that seems to be convinced, not only that she's in love with him, but that she's feeling something mutual. She's the one that relishes the coincidences. I do remember when I fell in love with E that there were coincidences too. We saw the the things in each other's lives that we already loved and shared before we met one another. And I fell in love knowing that it was mutual. I never doubted that we both flirted or shared. But he doesn't really flirt.
I'm very ashamed of myself over this. I feel so selfish and so dishonest and I've done nothing. But my feelings are quite important.
The important thing is that throughout this time, I have felt truly awful quite aside from the shame of having feelings for someone else. In some ways, I think my brain has found something to distract herself from the pain of everything else by developing a crush on someone else. Or that she was just lonely in her misery and the first opportunity to have another human - a happy body - to talk with her about anything at all, overwhelmed her slightly. The grass looked greener and so she kept looking over that fence.
So the truth may be that she needs to deal with the unhappy everything. It is so totally natural to be unhappy now. I am unhappy. I have no reason to be unhappy though. I don't have the loss. But when did I lose E? Have I fallen out of love? Is it a temporary flux because of unhappiness.
I ask myself when will sanity and order resume. But I don't want sanity and order to resume. I sometimes think I don't even want to jump the fence. I just want out.
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