p1:10
Finally vacation for Easter, don’t feel like writing at all lately.
I’m kinda tired overall, heat has gotten full in and it feels like July, I might start having a bit of this seasonal depression. I hate heat and miss winter.
So, I did buy lots of clothes which I love, I might start to dress better soon. I also did my wallpaper and looks cool. Today I was planning to go to the beach w my class but got an anxiety attack on my body (I can’t get my shirt off in front of people), now I wanna wax and get thinner.
Can’t train or stretch without feeling bad, heat is horrible.
Bout friends, overall better, I’ve had a few crisis and stuff but I’ve had them over everything.
Bout B, we still sleep together. It was yesterday that we talked in person in the subway and he answered my question before I went have lunch w goship. He said no, he isn’t ready for a relationship but neither of us discard a future relationship. He says it hurts him a lot and he can’t even imagine how it hurts me, I told him it was absolutely OK for me. I also apologised for making him go through that dilemma when I might just have been confused and asked too fast. I didn’t feel like clown at all because of that convo, it was all absolutely understandable. What made me a total clown was when he told me he was “tryna fall in love with this damn LUIGI”. I think he means Marco. I don’t have any comments coz I still don’t understand it or don’t want to understand it.
Yesterday I when to my first official bottle, in the middle of a mountain lmao. It was the 3s, Cin, Christina and 4 or 5 friends of Cin (it was their meeting but it was chill and open and even told us to join). I had a lot of fun, I didn’t drink much but it also didn’t go up at all (I’m lying, I got 2 vodka mix and 3 shots straight from the bottle coz they told me “open your mouth” and I just drank it all like it was water. Still didn’t go up that is true). Fun thing, Mario (a huge friend of B that I didn’t know in person) was there and we both found out we had heard bout each other through B but didn’t recognise each other. At some point he said “Java give me a kiss” and the 3s and I think he was dead serious bout it. I said yeah as a joke and move and made the gesture but nothing happened ofc. I like to wonder what would’ve happened if I entered my despecha arc and kissed one of (maybe the) best friend of my crush the same day he “rejected” me (it isn’t that tough, he is no villain).
I wanna read more and look better n stuff, but I’m always too tired.
We also had a mental health talk on Thursday. Many thoughts from there. Basically the crisis is that maybe I’m unable to help people, and I feel like I don’t deserve to be helped if I can’t help people in return. But if I can never return, how can I accept to receive.
They said “Who could be able to hug someone in need rn” and I didn’t react.
Anyways I’m in call rn, so I’m a go.
Much crisis and thoughts n stuff, but no energy to do anything and even less to right.
p1:26
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