I haven't been able to access the internet as much lately due to the combination of the crappy WIFI signal in the apartment and my computer's objections to me using it. So this entry is a combination of a few entries that I've written in my physical journal over the past few days.
I have a renewed sense of vigor regarding life. Although I still struggle with the same old issues, I feel as though they arrive with less intensity and my will to fight them off grows stronger.
My herb seeds have begun to sprout! I planted them about a week ago, and all but the two parsley seeds have sprouted. Some, like the sweet basil and the sage are over an inch tall now. I hope my first attempt at growing my own food is successful. Every time I go to the grocery store, I become more dissatisfied with the cost and value. I can no longer pretend to be oblivious to the world's problems and the harm that consuming processed foods will do to not only the entire population, but to myself and my family.
I have been thinking a lot about the legacy I want to leave behind; how better I can leave this world. I constantly struggle with the idea of impermanence. Just thinking of the lives of everyone I know, mine included, will someday disappear and be forgotten makes me feel worthless. But I force myself to remember that each and every life is a blessing. We are here to do good, not pity ourselves and wallow in despair about the state of the world.
So I have a new plan. I'm still going to continue writing in hopes of making a career of it someday. It has always helped me and I hope that someday I can touch the hearts and minds of others with my ideas. I'm still going to go into the medical field. It has always been something that has interested me and helping people and the world is what I love doing most. I have the feeling that I might major in wildlife biology or botany.
But, I will actively try to get involved with the people around me and my community. There are so many thoughts bouncing around my head of starting a farm or opening a business. But life always gives me what I need. I'm going to put my faith in the wonderful network of people and my openness and love for the world.
I feel..better. Not only are Clay and I having a competition to see who can get fit quicker, but it feels like everything is slowly falling into place. As long as my check comes in on time, we will be able to pay rent. I hope to keep being happy and satisfied with life. I have people to love and who love me, wonderful opportunities ahead, and a caring, sweet man to experience it all with.
On Thursday, I'm going to ride along with my mom up to Kansas City. I will be staying there Wednesday night and I should be able to look through the garage for things that I've been needing. I've always loved these trips with my mom. We talk about things that we can really only talk with to each other. We sing along with our favorite songs that we've always sung to. And we enjoy the comfortable silence in between; that contemplative feeling of being on the road.
Anyways, I've got barbeque meatballs in the crockpot and mashed potatoes to make before Clay gets home from work. I should have enough time to eat before going to work at 4:30. Then I get to enjoy three days off from work!
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