23:07
Had few attacks today. It was awful, I am extremely scared I will have to keep living like this. I might never be able to think about the future.
Gotta say we changing arcs. Now I’m deep into my lover arc, don’t need to explain why. Last night we called each other again, I never sleep so well, idk if it’s his breathing or just knowing he is on the other side of the phone. I’m scared I might stop loving him or something. I used to want this crush to go by, and now I’m scared it could happen. I think in also something special for him.
I also found out why I like night, fast thought. At night I can’t see myself and people can’t see me as well, it’s all bout phisical. I hate my body so night gives me that sense of security (and phone calls) coz no one can see me. And I feel awful and during the day coz I’m in front of everybody’s eyes.
I’m hoping he asks me out tomorrow afternoon, and I also fantasise going out doing whatever thing just with him, again, I’m scared this intense feeling slowly fades away.
Gonna change kaworu plushie poster and wallpaper that wall q manga panels. Alza wannabe cut my hair asap (not long, just shape) and buy clothes and all those physical changes.
Did nothing productive all weekend.
I’m still sleepy, but I think it’s more like I want to sleep not that I’m tired (I wanna sleep coz I wanna sleep w him)
Also understood why I don’t start convo w him. Him being the one that comes to me gives me that feeling of confidence and pride, the boy everyone loves actually looks for me, and I don’t pursue him as everybody does, so I’m better than everyone else. It’s a false, toxic feeling of irrational control and comfort. I gotta start convoys and talk to him and send him stuff but now appears the next problem, I’m also scared he has so many people talking to him that he’ll get overwhelmed. I will talk this to him. If he takes days to answer I won’t care.
Really want that guitar tho I’m also scared I might be bad or not use it enough.
I feel like a 5‘3’‘ emo sleep deprived guy and I don’t look like that at all, is that some sort of weird dysmorphia?
23:16
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