Relationships? Bleh. in The Past

Not sure how I’m feeling right now. Hot and sticky for the most part, but that’s the only thing I’m entirely sure of.

Spent most of the day napping and the like. I don’t know why I’ve been so sleepy today. I got up at my normal time, chatted with Mom a little, gave Lilly her medicine, worked on maile and napped for most of the day. I didn’t even make it up to my bed to nap, I just passed out at the table with the computer and the chainmaile. I was smart and made sure I slept leaning back in my chair, and not with my face on my maile. I didn’t get as far as I wanted to on maile today but meh. I also haven’t written anything on my story for days and have a care package leaving for England tomorrow. -sigh- It’s just… I don’t know. I did get a dozen flowers made and the wings for Norma are not only finished, but on her. Now i just have her tail and she’s done.

One of Maili’s coworkers, Travis, has been making moves on me. And I don’t know how I feel about it. He’s newly divorced, his ex-wife is a controlling bitch and he is a good guy, but with how messed up I am and the fact that he hasn’t been divorced for a year yet… I don’t want to be a rebound on his side, and I don’t want to end up using him to aleve my loneliness. I like him, I really do, but I don’t think I’m in love with him. And I don’t know if I should sit back and say “Well, If I spend enough time with him, I could fall in love with him....” or if I should do the “Welp, no sparks at the beginning, no chance.” I haven’t been in many relationships, and most of them were of the firecracker type… hot hot hot, BOOM, over. I don’t want that anymore. I want a partnership and something that I can lean back on and rely on. And I don’t know if I could have that with him… I think a big part of my hesitation, aside from the whole being newly divorced (not the divorce part, but the “newly”… the whole rebound thing), is the fact that he’s so placid and laid back. I’m big on pushing boundaries. When I’m in a relationship, I need to know exactly where I stand and where I’m allowed to stand and what I’m allowed to do. And without realizing it, I’ll do things to push my partner until s/he lays down the law… then I’m happy. I know what I can do and where I can go and what’s off limits.

I’ve had a couple partners who wouldn’t do that. Who would let me push and push and push until I finally hit the hard boundaries and they’d snap at me. Which would upset me and yeaah, it wasn’t pretty. And I don’t like that. I like having someone who’s assertive enough to tell me, “Chris, you really shouldn’t do that, I don’t like it.” I know, there are a lot of things that I don’t need to have said, but because of the clusterfuck I grew up in, there’s a lot of behaviors that I take as normal every-day things that other people may not see that way.

I’ve talked to Travis a little bit about this, about how I didn’t want to be a rebound and about how I need someone who’s assertive enough to put me in my place, so to speak, and he swears that he’s not as relaxed as he seems, but some of the behaviors I’ve noticed when he’s with his daughters… I don’t know, it really makes me worried.

The reason why I’m bringing this up now is that he wants to go out on a date. originally it was dinner and movies tomorrow, but with me getting off of work at 5, the movie not being shown till after 6 and then having to figure out how to bus myself back to the house… I don’t know. I told him that Thursday works better for me for a movie, and his suggestion is to go back to his house and watch movies and eat pizza. I don’t know about that. The part of me that screams “red flag!” is screaming loudly. That’s the same part of me that screamed about going to Bridget’s house and I did enjoy it. I’m just… I don’t know, I hope I’m making more of this than I should be. Then I’ll be able to just say “Oh, I’m over-reacting.” but his “I think I’m falling in love…” comment after we went to Charlie’s Safari scared the shit out of me.

And it still does.

Last updated December 25, 2016