Several years ago back when I identified as female and my wife identified as male, we were part of a local group that got together approximately every two weeks for play parties. A play party is kind of a euphemism for an adult sex party. There are varying degrees of play parties, some where sex is allowed and others where people just play out fetish scenes but there is no sex. Ours was a more hardcore group where sex was common and we definitely had a lot of fun.
Scrolling through some old emails recently, I came across the list of rules that the group had:
- All activity must be consensual. Anyone not respecting another person's interest or refusal will immediately be asked to leave and never return.
- Male orgasms are restricted to sex acts only, and only when they are agreed upon prior to the act. Men who are observing others are not allowed to have orgasms. Female orgasms are encouraged and not restricted.
- Men must be nude at all times unless dressed for a sex act. Women may dress as they please but are encouraged to wear something appropriate for the party.
- All sex acts are considered public and may be observed by others. We do not have private rooms for sex.
- Please be mindful of safe sex practices. Safe sex is your own responsibility, we neither provide nor require condoms.
- You are not required to participate in any sexual activity, however this group depends on the participation of its members. People who regularly come just to observe may eventually stop getting invited.
- Gay and lesbian sex acts are encouraged. If you are offended by that this may not be the party for you.
- The only fetishes forbidden are those that are illegal. Be creative and try new things out. We are here to have fun.
We were very active members of the group for many years. One night at a party, my husband (I'm going to refer to his as male in the entry since I'm talking about a time when he identified as male) was watching a spanking scene and stroking himself. Generally whenever there was a scene going on, people would be watching and masturbating, so there was nothing unusual about this. But he went a little too far and accidentally had an orgasm.
Of course, it was witnessed by everyone in the room, and even the guy who was doing the spanking stopped and seemed annoyed by it. He instructed my husband to get on his hands and knees and lick up the mess he had made, and my husband obeyed.
Before we left that night, the guy who was the group organizer pulled us aside and said that he had heard about my husband's serious rule violation and that he was going to have to put our membership on probation until they decided how to handle it. Admittedly we had seen other men get kicked out of the group for having orgasms, but since we had a long track record there we were sure this would be overlooked. I asked if I was on probation or just my husband, and the reply was that for the moment we were both being punished.
I knew it had been an accident, but I was annoyed that I was getting punished for what my husband did and I was a little angry with him. He apologized, but it took me a while to get over my anger.
A few days later, the email below was sent out to everyone in the group:
*"In light of a recent incident at a party, we feel it is necessary to send out a quick reminder about our rules and why we have them. There is a certain degree of vulnerability that comes with participating in sex acts at parties, and our foremost concern is that everyone feels safe at all times.
We are aware of other fetish groups where men are allowed to have orgasms at will, so long as they clean up after themselves. We feel like this creates an environment where men attend parties just to be voyeurs. They show up, watch people having sex, have an orgasm, and then leave. This is not the kind of group that we want. We are not a strip club where men can just watch and get their rocks off and then leave.
I cannot emphasize strongly enough that we strictly forbid men from having orgasms at parties. The one exception that we have allowed is that men can have an orgasm during a sex act and only if it is agreed upon before beginning. The reason for this exception is that we are a fetish group and we know that some fetishes do involve a male orgasm.
The incident last week did not go unnoticed. In addition to being witnessed by two members of our membership committee, we also received exactly 22 complaints from members. Considering there were only 34 people at the party, that is a very substantial number.
The member in question and his partner (they are copied on this email) will not be invited to any parties in the near future and their long term membership is in jeopardy. I encourage open communication on this issue and anyone wishing to respond may reply-to-all."*
I was really humiliated when I read this. A full month went by without getting a party invite, which meant we had likely missed two parties. I send an email to the organizer asking if I could attend without my husband and he agreed, so two weeks later an invite came out that was just for me. I went to the party without him. I had a good time, but while I was there several different people came up to me and said they didn't ever want to see my husband at a party again after what he did. As I was getting ready to leave, the organizer pulled me aside and said that they had voted to kick us out of the group, but that I could stay so long as I attended without my husband.
I was angry, but out of respect to my husband, I did not continue going to the parties.
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