p0:59
Okay
Le me recap all this days coz this got crazy.
It’s Monday night I gotta remember everything since Friday. I literally slept 3h the whole camp and just texting is hard rn, so be patient future self. Lemme start w school. Its garden to remember for me in general, but this few says just flew bye, I literally didn’t notice. It’s gonna be a messy entry and idc, I wannabe write. I feel bad for having to write so much but I also feel bad for not doing so. Chronologically.
The exams were fine. B didn’t come to 2nd period English, but he came to Math on 3rd. He seemed really tired, everyone was, but he was especially tired and I felt bad for him. Can’t remember much of school that day but ig it was decently fine.
Afternoon normal.
Then, I went ti Antq for the bus. It was full of Occ people, B wasn’t there but it was fine. I tried to be a bit more sociable and even chatted with 3 or 4 people. I arrived and my group immediately started singing happy birthday to me. Everybody joined. It was not my bd, but it was hella fun. I felt pretty good that night. People came in and out of rooms all the time and a big group settled on our room till like 4am.
Now chism: B was hooking up w his first hookup of the camp, Joan. I heard “B is going to sleep to Joan’s room” and I chuckled looking at him. He later told me he noticed. I also asked him later how hard would it have to be to be considered hookup, he said like just eating each other and sleeping together and stuff. Idk why but it was sort of a relief that he wasn’t a total predator, he was kinda a hooking machine, but a soft hook one.
Slept for like 2h, got up, showered and woke everyone else when they had asked me to. Morning was normal but, thing the two Annes (two monitors) were taking B into the monitors room to talk cimhism and I half sneeked in half got invited by B. Context: B made great friends w them two at last years camp (the one I did not go to coz I was having social anxiety problems) (I absolutely regret not going now) (it makes me extremely jealous when someone talks about it) and now they talked chism. Basically he said he did hhok Joan and Joan like him but he did not n stuff. I can’t remember well bout that. I think he mentioned something bout a later chism, Raul, the cute boy he adopted from 1st (I think, maybe 2nd) occ, who ha penned to be THE Brother of his hook/crush from last year camp (3rd occ), goddamn. So Saturday was all about having a little crisis in the morning-afternoon and being impressed by:
1. Groups being very cool and chill and fun. Forgot to mention around 50 people on the camp, just so you remember an approx number.
2. B being the star of the camp. Literally like another monitor. He was know by like everyone on occ even. He was on his sauce. I literally looked at him and thought he was some kind of celebrity or everyone’s-best friend coz it was amazing. (gotta enter the thought of people, specially B as an example, being completely different on social situations and one on one situation)
Later, more like night I got better. I got over those thoughts and killed many people q Chris on the killers game (streak of 9 kills). We played a bunch of mind puzzles and stuff (the fishes, music box last night, passing things normal or crossed etc) and Saturday night was like my peak. I went on truth or dare and danced Toxic to Alex (B was not in the place, but I had kinda fun Anyways w the Anne’s) n stuff. A few occ and ori Paris popped up as the topic of the day. We danced that night, we also had a gymkana on the afternoon. The whole day was full of stuff. I had so much fun that day I just can’t stop and talk about each thing. I really really enjoyed the camp actually.
Meanwhile, B was going closer (they ticked together the whole camp) w that boy Raul. The even kissed, hooked and slept together (they were so fckn cute I was bout to die when I saw them on the same bed, tho I was jealous af). That was at like 5am.
Wht did I do from 12am to 7am? Playing the mind (ordering cards without talking) with Julia. It started w Julia, the Annes and a some people from occ, and it ended up w Julia, 40 cards and me. I never felt more coordinated w anyone in my life. It was supernatural I had so much fun I got Si addicted I can’t explain. Occ Laura literally sat there watching us play and said it looked telepathic. I think I got a lot closer w Julia and that’s great because not only is she beasties w B too but she is also someone awesome. Showered at 6am, talked to anyone bout my humbling moments list (whenever I would run out of conversation I’d just say “Tell me a number between 1 and 150” and it always worked). I remembered how humbling Nellee was (left her coz she finally got a psychologist and I was no longer useful, but letting her talk to me if she needed it, a year and 3 months have passed. I kinda got a crush on her at that time).
Anyways so Sunday morning I was also dragged into monitors room, thing: though I believe the Annes liked me (I actually love them, they are awesome people and I’d love to see them again in a camp or anything) they were most surely planning just a convo w B, and it was B that told me he Personally told the Annes to go look for me to share chism. That was so beautiful I wannabe remind him later of how happy that made me. It was a dumb thing but him counting on me for chism made me really happy (people introducing me into social group and making me feel welcome and counted is something I love). They talked bout the Raul thing. I was literally holding hands with Anne2 fujoshi style as B talked about how he told Raul he was pretty and kissed him. We both screamed like 12 year olds but it made me really happy. It’s another moment I wish not to forget. Anyways, basically, Raul most surely wanted something more but B said he was not so sure. Thing had to develop futher.
*it’s funny that this is my personally life but all I do is write bout B and chism, that says a lot bout my priorities in life rn, I can’t stop thinking bout him and I also don’t wanna forget him, not only do I feel friendly attached to him, but also mentally. All my memories with him are beautiful. *
Had more fun w all the group n stuff. At lunch B and Raul hooked up again (B“‘a third and last hookup). To follow the chism Line, Raul cried coz he had self esteem problems and he was just told too many comforting things and it was like the shock of the moment and stuff. B was also being counselled by Anne1. It wasa situation for sure. I told B I could ask my father to pick him up w me on Antq so he could go on the bus w Raul (he was initially going on the car w Julia). He asked me for it, I asked father, he twisted the thing and I ended up going on Julia’s car. We could have gone on the bus if I really asked to, but B said it was fine. Poor Raul was waiting outside the bus looking at nothing (I saw him from afar) and B was just talking around with the people left, I really liked Raul, but he makes me very jealous coz he is literally what I always wanted to look like.
imma use this moment to enter the fact that I had a terrible self image crisis today, I woke up and immediately felt ugly af, I have a compulsive urge to feel prettier, I wannabe change my hair, my face and if I could I’d become smaller and change everything in my body yk, and I’d prolly look something like Raul, funny
Anyways, we were supposed to study physics at camp (global exam today, B felt scared and I wanted to help him however I could), spoiler we didn’t. We studied in the car and at his house. Lemme elaborate. The travel back also felt extremely short. Chism, study and when there were 15mins left B said: “it’s 15 till my house, what about we sleep these 15 mins and then we keep studying when we get home” I said hell yeah (our eyebags where over our knees) and you know what he does. He lays his head on my shoulder (Julia on the other side wasv already asleep and leaning to the other windrow) and felt asleep (I believe he did sleep). I let him do so and I closed my eyes and put my haud next to his, it was not necessarily anything but it was so special to me I can’t explain. I didn’t sleep I just closed my eyes and enjoyed the feeling of having him on my shoulder, I loved it so much I can’t explain. I had to stop myself from impulsive thoughts of kissing him and stuff, tho I literally counselled today bout that situation w Raul, they are gonna talk it. Anyways, we did study at his house, we played the mind, laughed a while and had pizza for dinner. I had so much fun again, dinner was all about love, counselling and problems conversation and a bit of chism. It was his mother that left me at home (I was still carrying my case) and not my father that picked me up as it was first planned that I would even stay at his house. B even mentioned staying to sleep but that would’ve already been too much. If I could sleep without getting up w my hair all messed up and looking like sht I prolly would’ve loved the idea even more, but obv I did not stay there.
Went back home didn’t order my room or anything (I did a bit today, will finish tomorrow) and felt asleep immediately, I was destroyed and I still feel too sleepy.
Today, I started the day w that crisis but that’s it. School: Language scared me coz I have expo tomorrow and I literally did not too much and an hour ago. Haven’t studied history and overall drowning in exams this week. The thing is physics, everyone came out pretty… the faces, as always. I felt horrible. Now specially B, he said he got blocked and left half the things unanswered, it made me very sad not because I “wasted” my time teaching him j(I would “waste” that time again if I had to), but because he got blocked and had a bad time even after putting so much effort into things. Idk it just made me sad, maybe empathy with your crush is higher. I sat next to him in English and he said at the begging of the class that he didn’t wannabe talk to anybody, he felt tired, he wanted to skip class n stuff. I took out a blank sheet and we chatted and wrote and drew dumb stuff on it, just paper talking and laughing n stuff. He told me end period thank you, that it was what he needed and I was bout to hug his till I crushed his ribs I also can’t explain why. I love him sm. Rest of the class was affected by physics as well, but B specially boy the block of his life he was just too tired. I miss the camp already, it was so much fun.
Mid day: we messed up w everyone talking camp joked and the fish thing. He literally brought his game of The Mind, to play with me, because I said it was my fav game and he saw me playing it w Julia and he had one, it was also beautiful. The moment all of his dramas calm done ill remind him all of this details he had w me and tell him they he is beautiful and I love him because of them. Chem was a circus as always and we spent all the time doing camp things and making people see us all tired and think “that camp really affected them” and we were laughing and having fun and idk, I loved it.
Fun thing: B told J and S that he had a hookup w someone at the camp. Guess what they answered. S said “Please tell me it was Nemo it would be an awesome plot twist” and J asked if it was me. I was thankful/surprised/flattered, it was a funny thing that they initially thought bout me as his objective. We were today closer than have ever been.
He still has to resolve his dramas w camp hookups coz Raul is a sweetheart that deserves a good relationship near him and I have no idea bout B’s position or idea but I’m sure he wants something good for Raul and potentially with him (he joked saying he chose the wrong brother n stuff). Joan also talked to B today and said he wanted more coz it was the first time he felt like that w someone n stuff. I never planned telling him I like him coz it could end up like this, me being another of a hundred people that simp over this boy coz he’s the beautiest person in the world and also fine af. Idk, maybe I just want my moment or maybe I do want him to have his things and stay as his confidential, chismosiac, comforting friend/best friend.
Small reminder of how hard training is and feel lately.
Thing: told Laura but all of this (all the parts I had time to explain, there’s more for like 2 or 3 more trainings). She said it’s the same as her relationship w Culo on her class. There were may similar things, and Culo is similar to me and Laura might be similar to B. Anyways, after much talking and explaining, she concluded B might actually like me and since I am too distant maybe he feels kinda friendzoned when I actually love him too much. It’s too late and I still gotta talk this to her tomorrow. I’ll update if I can w so many exams n stuff. It would be fun, tho he literally told me yesterday that he can’t limit his love to one person and he needs to love many people. I still don’t believe coz it doesn’t make sense to me with 3 hookups and a potential crush, brother of another past crush. I hope I am at least becoming one of his best friends. Anyways, kinda it, looking forward to finishing exams, playing w B or falling sleep in his shoulder and sleeping for a while cos I’m dying.
I’ll update tomorrow I hope, coz there’s too much I either can’t remember it just jumped through
Tired, and wannabe look better.
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