The beginning and the end in The Many Sides of Me

I never thought that at 27 I would be a divorcee... the thought still boggles my mind. I'm so young and already will have dramatic baggage added to my list of life 'things'. I can't be bothered with that right now however. I need to just work on me. I need to reclaim what I've lost: my confidence, my self-identity, my self-love, my happiness, my interests, my knowledge that I am loved. I need to find myself again. I need to be okay with the idea of being alone, being single. I need to shun the terror of loneliness and having to embark out into the world on my own. Life will never be the same- I know. Sometimes I feel like a failure, that I'm giving up and that I just am not trying hard enough to fix this. Maybe to some that might be true. But then I remember the epic fights where things were thrown, property damanged, the feeling so small, the intense frustration of feeling unheard, voiceless. I remember begging for the fight to end, to leave me alone, leave me in peace and he refused. I remember wanting nothing more than to run away and never be heard from again. I remember the exact moment I stopped trying, stopped loving, just stopped. I just woke up and realized that life wasn't going in a direction that I wanted, it wasn't the life that I wanted to be leading. I also realized that no amount of persuasion, discussion or pleading would help in changing any of that. None of these reminders however, take away the heart-breaking sadness that I carry with me every single day. This is no different than any other break up, it's akin to a death really. The death of a life with someone, of dreams, of the current life that you are leading. I am so profoundly sad that it astonishes me into silence and I have to remind myself that it's okay, it's supposed to hurt, it's going to keep hurting for quite some time. I have to be alright with that. But I have to keep going, because I have to take care of myself now, I have only myself to depend on. That's both terrifying and empowering. I am in charge of my own destiny, I am in charge of my own happiness. I've let life whip me around as it will for too long now and I have to take ownership of where I'll be going from now on. I'm so grateful to be shown such love by so many people and it's so incredibly true that you learn who your friends are in your darkest hour. It's a humbling reminder that kindness and compassion are essential to life and human nature, and such a deep, deep comfort to know that even though your 'forever' relationship is coming to an end, that you can still be loved to bits by family and friends. I don't think that I would make it without them.