p0:46
I’ve lost that ability to go non-stop watching anime or playing till 2am, idk if I miss it.
I did nothing but playing and watching anime and reading webtoon and doing just a bit of homework the whole day, just like I used to do all weekends for the last 2 or 3 years, crazy.
So, I got a bit of an existential crisis again today but it it’s fine, I gotta do what my buddy Jung says and ct like death doesn’t exist. Maybe I would’ve been happier if I believed in God and the afterlife n shit.
I want to write more ein depth bout some stuff and stop just mentioning ideas I’ll later develop coz I’ll most surely never develop them.
Ok, so I might’ve said I’m developing dependance on B. It’s kinda true. The circle is the usual, toxic and damaging vicious circle of having a crush. They message me, I feel great, I message back, they take a while to answer and I feel awful (he actually isn’t on vacation yet, he’ll be out the weekend. Gotta add the possibility that he is just full on HxH and I’ll never catch up to him, that also makes me anxious. I don’t have that ability to eat anime like I did on 2020), then they finally answer back and then they send me another message. I don’t start the convos first coz I feel they don’t wannabe talk to me, second coz I don’t have the ability to do so (still working on it) and third coz I would have to start convos w more people and I don’t know if I wannabe. The thing is it’s unsustainable and I gotta change it, but I still get hopeful and expectant of his messages. This leads me to another problem.
Ok so loneliness. Today the shower got cold and I had to get out instead of chilling on the warm water and it was the worst sensation I’ve had on a long time. I hated that cold it was absolutely awful. But the thing is I’m always that cold. Loneliness is atrocious, and I have a severe fear of being alone, that’s why I want someone near me. And when B talked to me n shi, it made me feel like we were close, it made me warm, and now (as with many things, when I get into it I have a hard time “un intoxicating”) I can’t help but feel a need, a longing for him.
I wanna get poetic n stuff but I might cringe later on time and maybe that won’t even do anything but allow me to romanticise myself n I don’t have time.
B messages p0:56
2min
Ok he was talking bout Marco.
Also, he was seen today W Vicky. With I gotta find out if they’re seeing each other again or sum. Idk if he told B bout that he prolly did Anyways.
Ok so more stuff, I taking the intensives for 3 days for driving license, that is officially my last straw, I’ll get it and excuse myself once and for all regarding father.
I have a lotta homework and I don’t feel like doing NONE. It’s hella boring and I’ve never been able to focus and do homework for long periods of time if it’s not in class and some special day or sum. It’s amazing if you think bout it, the amount of time this classes are consuming goddayum.
Ok, so is my life wasted coz I’ll never be happy? Like that stuff of capitalism making your worthless and I’m just a piece of the system n stuff. Am I already wortless coz I was born in this society n stuff? Would I have ever been worth something? I think all of that people saying that you gotta get boutta the system is irtional, but the only purpose of saying that is the satisfaction of the predicator itself. Like I mean, I’ll never be something coz I’ll never be the everything so I’ll always be nothing, no matter capitalism, communism or anarchism. Individualism only exists on yourself, coz the moment someone else exists to see you, you are no longer everything. The only way to be something is to be alone, and to not live in loneliness implies giving up on your everything, at least to the eyes fo society. What I mean is that an ideal life might (most surely doesn’t) exist, but you can just live a boring, repetitive system life and make it worth it just by enjoying it (more or less like those 50yo single mothers that connect with nature and do yoga). At the end you are your anly world and romanticism is always an option, and a very plausible one to my eyes atm. It’s not like you gotta live all on drugs or all on sex or sum like that (actually you could) but like, be happy. It’s easier to say it than to do it coz once you get an existential crisis, it feels like there’s no way back (I wish I were normal and never had an existential crisis), but maybe I can work on it this way. Live a boring life and maybe you’ll be happier.
Thats a lotta thinking and my head hurts. That mentions another problem. I think better when interacting w someone else. That’s it, not much explaining. When I’m alone I can only imagine a picture. And not matter how detailed, precise or beautifully crafted it is, it will still be a stationary picture. Whenever I interact w someone else and share ideas, it feel as if I’m watching a film, maybe less resolute, maybe a bad film, maybe the best film ever, but at least it’s not the stationary picture. It’s a whole new dimension. What I say is that there are things (almost everything) that I would’ve never thought by myself, that’s why I actually don’t work so bad on teams when a task requires actual thinking. And it’s not like people slow me down so much lately.
I wanted to do a marathon in kuroshitsuji but I didn’t cos I don’t wanna pressure myself into watching HxH just for B. I might do at the end, but at least not today. I still wanna keep sleeping tho I got another 10h today.
B message
Hopefully I’ll get to talk to him (I won’t). Lets see how everything develops these days. I’ll try to be more “bright” on Tuesday, Saturday at gr n stuff.
p1:12
p2:29
I talked w him for some time bout fears n stuff, but it’s always me that talks. I tried to drow the topic to him, but he doesn’t open up much. It’s hard, but I want him to give up that bad habit of rejecting his necessities. We ended up talking bout sex n smashes (he’s a predator goddamn). He mentioned that he was with I and S at S’s house and they drank n stuff. I could never get w them like that. He also mentioned that he met Polo’s gf today, and from what I know there were no class hangouts today. Again, that must mean he meets people one on one or on groups separate, and again I could never.
I still feel ugly (I told him he was a smash n stuff, we mentioned other people but he didn’t explicitly say he’d smash me). I need counselling bout my hair n stuff, but I think my actual face is stopping me from feeling pretty, and it has no change.
Still like talking to him tho, we told each other we lived each other literally once and it was not profound or anything, but he is literally everyone I have (and that’s gotta change hopefully). This is hurting me but it’s fine since it’s me who is getting hurt. That’s my line of thought atm.
Gotta add there is absolutely no chance I pull him coz I don’t think he finds me attractive and I have the intuition (it never fails) that he wouldn’t date someone he wouldn’t smash. I hope I’m wrong.
Gotta read and see where did talk bout B like this for the first time, must’ve been months, we got a problem.
Literally playing careless whisper on repeat.
p2:36
Talked some more, this hours felt like seconds. Not much to highlight. We talked bout romances and dramas and stuff. He said it I ever wanted my first kiss I could just ask him. Almost cried. And will cry for sure if I do so. He mentioned slightly that he didn’t like to give attention to discord girls, so I’ll try not to lack his attention, and only receive attention when he gives it to me (not force convos). He’s so pretty. Again, i don’t think he has the smallest romantic feeling towards me, but I still love him nonetheless. I have the feeling this is not another 6 months crush, this feels harder.
p4:21
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