p0:42
I literally slept for 12h but I still feel kinda tired. Not sleepy, just tired. I think it’s either that I still need rest from weekend of that I’m on a relapse. Most prolly the 2nd one. But I repeat, it does not feel the same as always, I feel sad and depressed, but it’s not the same feeling as I always had.
I terms of crisis, I wanna start trying to think less about death n stuff coz I automatically triggers my chronophobia. Also reading philosophy makes me depressed, and even thinking too much puts me down. I wanna write and write but I also don’t wanna feel sad. I think, I might have more time later to write my thoughts as much as I can, but I also think, time is running every second, if not now then when? I’ll keep this writing focused on my thoughts, tho I’ll surely drift to my teenager dramas.
So, did nothing, but didn’t feel bad for it coz I got the next days to finish all my homework (I’ll try tomorrow and Wednesday).
I had a huge lunch and ate nothing else today, I wanna look good desperately. It would be normal to think it’s because of B, but in fact, I don’t think it’s B who I wanna seduce (all of this is thought irrationally and then rationalised). I wanna look hot and desirable to everyone in general. I wanna be someone considered pretty or hot and if I can’t do so with my face (problems kinda better, mom remembered my request), I’ll do it w my body. Rn, the biggest thing I want is abs n shape (literally what B has). I’m literally starting bikini operation on February. So, why did I sy it’s not B. B said he found Marco atractive, and I don’t want to look like Marco at all. I still can’t believe he find Marco atractive like damn, didn’t expect that. I hope I never forget what Marco looks like.
small reminder of how Marco pulled up to the party fill on fuckboy and then got on a black sleeveless T, huge (and extremely ugly) eyeliner and a drawn beauty spot. I can never forget that. It was at that moment that I told Matro to get some alcohol.
More, I might be developing dependnce on B, which is funny coz he doesn’t talk to me that much. I always await for his messages, I can anly think bout him bla blah. Today I got hella anxious voz he didn’t reply, he’s on family vacation on snowy mountains on gr. I also got very anxious coz he said he won’t be going to gr this Saturday. I got extremely sad that I won’t be next to him and maybe have a potentially live changing convo w him at the back of the car (in fact, I have idealised that scenario and he tells me he loves me n stuff, like all my fantasies). That’s it. I need more friends, when I see Noa’s storied w her class friends I always get jealous, I should try meet them some time. I also wannabe get closer to school people like P and Ivan, but they might not see me as a “potential friend”. I did talk to Aroa via getting inside Matro’s convoy, but I think we’d hit it off. The thing is I need more people, I literally messaged like 15 diff people last 48h, yet I only care bout B and the girls, and I don’t see the girls so much, and B has many friends. You get the problem.
And, that people change. I was going to blindly believe it’s true. I’m not gonna say it’s not, but I’m not sure 100% of anything now. I believed people could change cox of a convoy w B but B himself hasn’t changed (much) (in the sense that he still acts same w friends, has many of them and doesn’t need me, acts not the same but similarly towards me) since that convo. Ofc it could be that he needs time or he doesn’t show it much, but at the end the change isn’t so much there. Maybe my own change isn’t there as well, that’s why I’m not sure if people can change. I used to think Marco had changed but now I think he did not (maybe he used what he thinks was “a faggot” look coz he believes it made him pull more, that’s my theory), and I used to think I had changed these weeks but maybe it isn’t visible for anyone. Let’s just leave this a tie.
Gotta rest more. I still wish I could have more deep convos w B, that’s all I care about lately.
Almost forgot. B recommended me HxH, and I’m watching kuroshitsuji, I’m doing a literal marathon (tho I’m uncapable of eating animes the way I did 2 years ago, nd the way I think B does rn) to finish it and start HxH so I can catch up to him. Idk if it’s to have convo, to know what he’s watching or to be like similar to him, but I just feel the urge to watch it coz he is doing so. Humbling. I was already told to watch it but I didn’t find time. I guess you look for a way to do things when you really want to. That quote:
“When you really want to do something you’ll find a way to do it. I you don’t really want to do it, all you’ll find are excuses.”
p1:07
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