23:40
Not tired, I felt bad coz I got outta class an hour before, Marina didn’t come, but I ended just being just as productive as any other Wednesday, which isn’t bad but could’ve been better. I’m eating normally, kinda few actually, but I’m still not losing fat. My biggest problem atm is my physical appearance. At least I’m kinda comfortable q my shape. I asked mom for wax or sum, and now I’m getting perma depilation on my legs. It’s weird coz I never wanted hair on my legs at all, but it being permanent kinda scared me, as if I ever wanted it. Still, no progress for my face, I got something I didn’t want, and now I’ll still look like a 30yo.
Ok more, prolly said it, but B is just like normal, I did sit next to him in math today n stuff, but he isn’t my best friend at all. I have high hopes we hang out next week or sum. Gr camp is also in 2 weeks, hopefully (if we can chose to, most surely we will) we’ll get the same room and that’d be awesome. I want to spend time w him, but I also never start conversations, it’s always him. It feels weird to start conversations, but I’m like this w everyone. If I started convos w him I would have to w everyone, and I don’t feel confident enough to do so w anybody except the 3s and Matro. B’s case specifically, he has so many friends I don’t wanna bother him, so I never start convoys, but he does send me reels n stuff, so I have no idea. I actually get anxious thinking bout it, why if he just stopped talking, I would prolly start convo asking how they are but maybe I’m bothering. I don’t want to bother startimg a conversation but I also don’t wanna bother by making him start always the conversations. I just done have the social skills or the confidence w him to talk like he does with S, anytime they want.
I still spend all the time daydreaming bout B telling me he actually lived me instead of Marco or sum like that, and me telling him to have a talk w me when we have time and then we tell each other stuff and we fall in love. But I’m ugly, he doesn’t love me and I have no chance.
Still, class was kinda alone but same kind of happy-sad as lately.
I did two “what mistski song am I” tests, both said I was townie, goddamn. I told be he was I don’t smoke coz of the part “if you need to be mean be mean to me, I can take it and put it inside of me” part, he said hell yeah. Now it reminds me of him. Another live is playing, also reminds me of him, cox he played it on the piano. I’m a disgraced. I feel like crying a lot today, I did not yesterday. If Marco and B do something at the party (Marco Sid tidy there were limits, but I don’t think he’s so straight, B believes so too, I believe it coz I’m pessimistic and he does coz he optimistic, funny). imma cry and run n shi.
At least I did a lotta homework today and my costume looks fine. I’m prolly gonna use a costume photo as a pfp.
Hell yeah. This slaps. Imma look through the windows and cry while I remember that Monday I ran all over the city coz of a boy. And I enjoyed it. He uploaded to his story, saying he was tired but it was an awesome day (maybe I mentioned it yesterday), hope he meant it coz it was mine too.
Feliz jueves.
I’m tired
23:55
p1:40
I just messaged some time w B. He says he loves me and I love him and all. We talked about feeling loved. He mentioned there are many types of friends, to hang out, to talk to cry… I wanted to ask him which one am I but I didn’t. Well, we love each other in the cheesy philosophical sense. He’s a beautiful person and he told me in awesome too. He’s just too good. I love talking like this to him. I mentioned I felt alone and he said he’d get me friends, he’s just too good for me. He struggles w personality and I told him, doesn’t matter how he is to me, I’ll love him Anyways, he said he cried. I kinda hope I keep loving him, now, instead of wishing I stop loving him and forget him, I want to keep feeling at least a bit like this towards him. Now I’m not sure if it’s romantic, maybe I’m just alone and he’s he only one I’ve got. I truly love him. That’s a lot of love, which I still don’t fully understand the feeling of.
He also mentioned that he felt low of energy, tired and stuff. He mentioned depression. I really hope it isn’t. It would be funny both of us had depression, so funny I’m scared we might. I inmediately told him to go to sleep. I told him I would too, but here I am talking alone. I want the best for him, and it hurts me more everyday, but I do find happiness in his happiness somehow. Even tho I feel so alone at class I have to stop myself from talking to him all the time coz I feel I’m bothering. I don’t think I’m as beautiful as he says I am, but I getting some so2 influence I guess.
Ofc, we ended up talking bout sex and teenage problems so stick to this:
Marco told B he wanted smash this Friday, and that It was B, Nils, M3 or M4 (He confirmed he was not straight). B said he liked Marco physically (im surely not his type then) but here’s the revelation. He said he doesn’t like Marco, like not romantically, at least not now, but he feel like he could fall in love w him at some time. That’s fuel for my own self deceptive hope hell yeah. Well the thing is he doesn’t like Marco, but maybe will. That Marco came out as 2 on a test, and that Marco is on his Jumpa arc (Saray liked him and Isela obviously and confirmed likes him atm). I’ll prolly come out crying from the party. Imma cry now too. B is also very sexual, so who knows. I’m closer and closer to planning the biggest hangover of my life, but fucking competition on Sunday. I hate training this much. At least I think look good on that costume, Lana says it, pretty when you cry.
p1:55
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